Paging Jerry Springer on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I urgently need some advice. You are the first person who can probably give me some kind of feedback on this very touchy subject. Last September, I was going out with a great guy, things happened and we split. Not even a week later, a friend that my ex introduced me to went into the store that my mother owns and professed his love for me. He is very good looking, treats me like a queen, owns a very successful business…..What’s the problem, you say. Well he does has one major flaw, he’s married with 2 kids. Not by choice, I can tell you that. They don’t get along, they argue all the time, she doesn’t appreciate him. I know, I know, that no one should ever get involved with a married man because he is a liar and a cheat. But he is soooo different. His wife went away last week and we were so together and so happy. We have been together since March and we have never argued. We both live in a very small town (700 people) and I’m sure people are talking. I haven’t gotten involved with any other man and believe me there have been some very close calls. He got quite upset at me last week because I kissed an ex of mine. Obviously, he gets very jealous for some reason. We have professed our love for each other. I was supposed to move away for a really good job and I pretty much had it if I would have went down. When he found out, he cried and pleaded to me not to go. Then hired me as his secretary. What is going on in his head? I don’t understand it at all. Things wouldn’t be so bad if we hadn’t made love, but we have quite a few times. I have fallen in love with him and I am so scared that I will be the one who is hurt…again. Maybe I deserve it. He puts me up on a pedestal, unfortunately, his wife is holding it. Isn’t he scared that I might be like one of those psychos like on Jerry Springer that might go tell his wife of the affair? But in my opinion, I shouldn’t be the one to say a word. I really need your help Breakup Girl! I will really appreciate it. Thanks again.

— Emotionally Hungover

BG gets real after the jump!

Undecided on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a predicament! For the past 8 months I have been living with my boyfriend and things have been going fine! Except, I have a little crush on someone else. The guy, Chris, and I have been friends for about a year now, except that when we used to hang out we would flirt and I would imagine what it was like to kiss him… harmless stuff…we never DID anything. Oh yeah did I mention that he had a girlfriend… a long distance one, and I was on safe ground in my own mind with this invisi-barrier of girlfriend vibes around him! That is, until a few days ago. THEY BROKE UP!

Now I am afraid to hang out with him because I am scared that we will hook up cause of that tension that has been building for so long! I don’t want to lose my friend. AND to get back to the boyfriend part, I don’t want to lose him either. But I am so incredibly attracted to this other guy… am I kidding myself about having my boyfriend and drop it all and go with my crush (which may cause for a bizarre living situation!) I am so torn… (sigh). Please help!!

— K

BG’s answer after the jump!

The Predicament of the Week from August 31, 1998…

Readers will recall that Brad’s original predicament vaulted into Of the Week status the moment he recounted that the girl who wanted to hang out, hold hands, snuggle — and just be friends — went so far as to bake him a cake. (Thus serving up, for Brad, immense confusion, and for Breakup Girl, a veritable dessert tray of metaphors).A week later, the frosting thickened, and our man B. got in trouble for being nice-guy-shoulder/pastry-chef — not, say, Boyfriend — for the women he loved. And now, Brad is back, setting a BG record for number of P of the W appearances…and prompting a sugar-free response.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I really, really hate to keep bothering you. By now, though, you have realized that my life is nothing more than a soap opera — and not one of the easy-to-understand ones, either. No, my life has to be one of the most complicated soap operas around.

This time, it has nothing to do with Lynore or all those other girls that I’ve said anything about before. In fact, I still haven’t seen Lynore (that guy moved away, but she’s still living with his family and being antisocial, waiting for him to return). As for the other girls I have previously mentioned, I’ve not made any special efforts to contact them. I called a couple of them once or twice, but the conversations were filled mostly with silence. After hanging up the phone, I decided that if they REALLY want to talk to me, then they can call me themselves. Otherwise, I’m no longer a part of their lives, which is just fine with me.

Unfortunately for me, I have a lot of girls in my past, and one of them has come back to haunt me lately. No, she’s not the ex-girlfriend whose photograph I altered so that she had a huge, huge grin and enormous eyes like those of a surprised cartoon character. This girl is one that I had a huge crush on for almost three years. In fact, I had myself convinced that I was in LOVE with her for over a year of that time.

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Picking the scab on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me [nine months ago]…it was hard, but I’ve made good progress in putting my life back together. Except I found out a couple of days ago that he has a new serious girlfriend (they went to Antigua together). Now I can’t stop thinking about our breakup…this little bit of information has re-opened the whole emotional wound that had been healing. Do I just wait it out, knowing (somewhere in my logical brain) that the hurt will fade? I had been surfing through one of the personals sites linked to this site, but now I feel like maybe I’m not ready to meet someone new. Help!

— Just K

Dear K,

Antigua!? Of course you’re smarting. Which does NOT mean that you’re not healing. Surf on, dude.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Cold Front, who’s seen the same problem crop up over the years in all of her serious relationships:

I feel so sure about my feelings, but a year or more into the relationship I seem to lose interest and the desire for sex with my partner.

Is this weird or natural? Lynn examines three possibilities. Read the full letter at Happen, then come back here and tell us what you think below!

Helping a friend on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I enjoy your advice immensely but I’ve never seen this issue tackled before. I’m a female friend of a wonderful guy who is in his mid-thirties, a doctor, funny, intelligent, handsome — and all that, but over the last two years he has developed an increasingly debilitating severe lower-back problem. He has no trouble getting women, but for the last two serious relationships he has had (both with women in their mid-twenties), one of which lasted about a year, and the most recent which lasted about 8 months, he feels that initially things go great but as the relationship progresses and he starts spending more and more time with his girlfriend, that she becomes aware of his “chronic pain condition” and how truly limiting it is – he spends a lot of time at doctors, a LOT of bed-rest with icepack on his back, TENs units — things like that. So he ends up not being able to do all the things that people dating can so often do — ie. go to movies, bike ride, travel, etc.

His last girlfriend just dumped him a few days ago saying that “some spark was missing.” Well, no kidding, he’s in a lot of pain, he get’s depressed, and he’s forced to be inactive a lot! He may or may not be able to have back surgery for his particular problem, and even then he will probably never have normal mobility.

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Feeling the pressure on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This urgent request for advice comes to you after many, many long hours of introspection, second-guessing, bad dreams, and profesional therapy.

I have been in a relationship with Robert for over four years. We have been exclusive for that entire time, and even lived together for one year. I moved out of his apartment about 7 months ago, and we have been going through a very stressful period of almost breaking up, and then trying again since then.

Although we have some pretty basic communication problems, and do tend to push each other’s buttons a little too much, the main problem has boiled down to my wanting to get married and start a family, and his not wanting the responibility of children in his life.

I am 36 (he’s 42) and for me the ticking has suddenly become VERY loud. I do love him, and we have a special connection that I’m afraid I may not find again with someone else. But he has made it clear that his feeling about having a family are not going to change, and I am left with the choice — stay with him and give up my desire for a family, or move on, and hope that within the next four years or so, I will meet someone, who will want all the same things I do.

I have been struggling with this situation for so long, and I just can’t seem to find the answer. It is truly making me crazy, and any help, or insights you can give would be a blessing.

–Viki

BG’s take after the jump!

Taking it slow on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 28, I’ve been dating a guy for about three weeks, we’ve gone out 5-6 times, and I enjoy going out with him. But, hmmmmm…. I don’t feel any great overwhelming, surrender to me romantic attraction at this point. I thought I did initially, but even at the time I think I knew it was Affection Deprivation Syndrome (I hadn’t had any male-based attention in about 5 months after a pretty painless breakup). The problem is, I have always been a slow burner as far as men are concerned. I go along thinking so and so is a good midnight breakfast buddy and then one day I’m making my apartment lemony-fresh and thinking of something he said and laughing or out with a group of people and wishing I was with him and I can’t get him or the way he makes me feel out of my head. So I don’t know. I feel like this has the potential to turn into that, but I can never tell (time frame on these feelings is usually 4 – 6 months). The thing is, how do I tell him I don’t feel it now, but I might feel it in a little while, but I can’t be sure? Is this impossible? Is this leading him on? From what I know of him so far, he’s got his heart on his sleeve 24-7, so the friend thing would be really hard for him to handle, even though I would work on that level. And I would never string him along as a backup man (I know how bad that feels from past experience). So what can I do?

Sincerely,
Kickin’ it Slo-mo Style

BG’s answer after the jump!

Never been kissed before August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve tried writing to advice columns before, but not once have I seen/heard a response. I’m trying again, though, in hopes that you can help me out.

First of all, I’ll start by saying I’m a fifteen year old girl. A SHY fifteen year old girl. Before this year, I’ve never been kissed. Sure, I’ve gone out with guys before, but that was “kid stuff” and nothing happened.

Anyway, this year I met this guy, Greg. He was a senior, I was a freshman, but we were really alike, and immediately became friends. After a month or so, a mutual friend set us up. We started seeing each other soon after that.

One day I was over at his house, and we were watching a movie. Halfway through the movie, he leaned in for the “big kiss.” He had kissed me before, but they were just pecks. This time it was more than that. When I realized what was happening, I got nervous, and I was afraid I would do the wrong thing. In result, I pretty much messed up the whole kiss, and ruined the moment. I guess what made me nervous was the fact that I knew he had much more experience than I, and I didn’t want him to think of me as inexperienced. But because of that, I probably looked more inexperienced than I could have.

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Asked and answered on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated a guy for five months and spent basically 24/7 with him. We had a great relationship — in all ways that he even discussed me moving 300 miles away with him.

One day he says to me that he thinks that I want more out of this relationship (ie: marriage) and that it was over. Of course I was shocked and hurt and devestated, but I understood where he was coming from. He never got love and attention at home and wasn’t sure he could give it or even understand it. He says he would like to remain friends and could he call me. I agreed.

Now the problem. Every time we talk, the discussion seems to end up on sex. We did have a great sex life, but we haven’t been together that way in 5 months. I don’t know what he’s thinking. He talks to my friends about me and is constantly asking me if I’m dating.

I’ve told him that all of the above is none of his business but it continues. Should I just say “This is too much. You’re not acting like a friend — more like a jealous boyfriend! Which you’re not, and I can’t do this anymore!” or what? Help!!!

— Shannon

Dear Shannon,

That is exactly what you should say.

Love,
Breakup Girl