Not taking things to the next level on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi. I know you’ve written about Friend Boys, but so far no one has seemed to share my curse, so my variation on the theme hasn’t been addressed. I hope you can help.

My problem is this: I believe a solid romantic relationship is built on a solid friendship. The main reason I feel this is that when you date, pretense and airs are, well, up in the air. When you get to know someone as a friend, you get to know the real them, because they have no reason to put on airs. Also, while I’ll check out the hottie in the tight red dress, I could never find myself attracted to someone on any level beyond the physical unless I really know her. Unfortunately, this has left me on the business end of a bad Catch-22.

See, whenever I get to know a woman well enough to develop feelings for her and try to bring the friendship to a “new level,” she says that I can’t because I “know her too well,” and vice versa.

WHAT GIVES?

Women are constantly complaining about never knowing what their man is thinking, or that he never knows what they are feeling, or that he is just too confusing, and yet, when presented with someone whom they are very close to, and who knows them so well (and again, vice versa), they say, “Uh-uh, no way.” Sigh.

–The Shadow Knows

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Predicament of the Week from May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

One month ago my girlfriend dumped me and her reason why was that she didn’t want a relationship at this point in her life. Yeah, I could understand that, but when I was told that she’d started to date other guys I think I flipped. I was a very nice guy to her — better than most guys were. To make this long story short, I told her that I’d cheated on her when we were going out — just to hurt her — and now all it’s doing is hurting me more.

I don’t want you to think I’m nuts — only with love. I just can’t tell her the truth because everyone that knows her thinks I cheated on her and she told me she can’t trust anything I say to her anymore. Now that I screwed up I need to find some way to tell her that I was just lying to her about cheating on her. I know she will never want to speak to me again and I think I can handle it but I don’t want her to hate me for the rest of my life. If you could in some way HELP me to find a way to solve my BIG problem. I’ve never wanted to hurt her this way; I just lost my head and I can’t seem to find a way out of this mess. I’m not one to ask for anything in life but this one I really need help on.

Tearfully,
K.

P.S. If you want to post this letter on your board of guys who’ve done some really stupid things in their lives, I would understand. Maybe it wil help others like myself not to do things like this.

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Guilty in absentia on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have just spoken with my best friend, who is miserable and alone in Marrakesh, where she is working. She’s sad because her partner has not phoned her for over a week — he’s uncontactably on a rock tour in Australia/New Zealand. She suspects he is screwing the catering girl/backing singer/production assistant. Meanwhile he has left all his belongings in her flat here in London — for which I have a key. What (preferably harsh) action do you suggest she take? (Waiting and seeing is not an option!)

— Damp Shoulder

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Confused Christina, who suddenly and tragically lost her first true love at age 22 and is still struggling with the loss…

And ever since he died, I have tried rather excruciatingly to date and be happy with someone else. I’ve gone on dates over the past three years with at least 30 guys and none of them have ever had the spark or made that connection that I had with my deceased first boyfriend.

Is Christina truly ready to be back out there? Has she just not met the right guy? Read the full letter at Happen, then come back here to offer your own insight in the comments below.

Entering derogatory purgatory on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of six intense months blew up at me the other night and called me every derogatory name in the book. While it wasn’t intended as a breakup, I knew that being spoken to in that way was the end, so when he finished his tirade I said only, “Perhaps you should take me home.” We both remained silent for the twenty minutes of the ride to my house. It seemed to be an unspoken breakup, and in fact I haven’t heard from him since. I thought that in light of his juvenile hysterics, I was taking the high road by simply leaving him in silence, never to speak to him again, but now I have an overwhelming urge to tell him what I really think of him. And on a side note, I’ve discovered I left my watch at his place — I’m leaning toward writing it off, but my friends think I should get it back. Please advise: am I allowed to mail him a hate letter, or does that falsely indicate that I care?

— Allie

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Speaking truth to loser on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help me, I want to get revenge at my ex-boyfriend, because he broke up with me and then he told everybody some stuff about me that’s totally untrue. Now I’m SO angry at him and want to do something that makes him feel really bad. Do you think I should ignore him (be cold) or should I tell him that I don’t accept that he’s running around telling lies? One thing he doesn’t know is that some of his friends are on my side. That feels really good, but it would’ve been better if he knew that, too. I don’t know how to get revenge so please help me!

— Matilda

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Double dealing on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is kinda a horror story/survivor story. Last summer I was crushing on a guy friend so I sucked up my gut and told him. He e-mailed (how tacky) me back and took several pages to get across the meaning that he wasn’t interested. I then invoked the curse of e-mail breakups and sent it to all my friends with the subject heading “And I thought I liked this jerk!” Everyone (including him and I) swore to secrecy as no one wanted it all over our junior high. Then last fall I’m walking down the hall when some guy asks if I asked (we’ll call him Bob) Bob out over the summer. I later asked Bob if he told anyone, he swore up and down that he didn’t, and even suggested that my friends knew as well. So I asked the guy who’d asked me about it at school who had told him. His reply: “Bob, but don’t tell him because he’ll be really mad at me.” I told Bob that he lied to me. He e-mailed me back (again!) to say “Call it what you like.” So I dropped him like a bad habit and moved my attentions to someone more mature (and more likely to say things in person). He’s more cute, too. I’m having a blast flirting and not having to worry about having a boyfriend. Hence proving again that the good guys always (well, usually) win.

— Free From Lame E-Mailers

Dear Free,

Hmmm. I really do like the ending, but I must say that Bob’s email did not necessarily warrant the Curse. I mean, it may not have been what you wanted to hear, but it wasn’t a breakup. Also, I’m not sure how your e-forwarding move is consistent with your professed dedication to “secrecy” — like, how you can bust Bob for blabbing when you totally did yourself. Call it what you like, but I’d say it’s a big NO on number 1, above. Sorry.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. This Ask Lynn column is being promoted at Match on Yahoo this week…

This week Lynn answers What Should I Do in L.A. who’s stymied by a boyfriend who portrays himself as single online. But since he’s never met the women he chats with IRL, it’s not so much the cybercrime, it’s the coverup:

The first time I caught him, he said it was because he needed someone to talk to. The second time, he said he was trying to catch me cheating.

Yes, this one is more about trust issues than cheating. Read the full letter at Yahoo, then add your two cents in the comments below.

Seeking closure on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Any good revenge suggestions? I have been in and out of a not-so-emotionally-fulfilling but really-good-sex relationship for a few (four!?!?) years, and although I always knew it wouldn’t develop into anything good, I went ahead and fell for the whole spiel of how much he loved me … blah blah blah . Well, I’m happy to say that I finally came to my senses after a long crying jag and have vowed to move on to better, healthier relationships, but it’s hard since this has been going on for so long, and I admittedly harbor some bitter feelings and would love to pull off some great final revenge to solidify my intentions of never having him in my life or on my doorstep again … so I was wondering if you had any good suggestions? Nothing too mean, just sneaky enough to be satisfying — maybe this should be a theme for one month, how to get revenge without being too vengeful. Thanx.

— Nicole

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Doing unto others on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I went out with this guy for a few days, then all of a sudden, he breaks up with me for this slut who just dumped her boyfriend. These two aren’t even going out and the worst part is that he told my best friend that I hated her and she didn’t talk to me for three days. I want to know, how I can get revenge while remaining anonymous?

— Miss Pissed

Dear Miss Pissed,

When Careers Day rolls around, don’t bother visiting the CIA booth. Given that it would come right on the heels of the incident(s) you describe, there is no covert operation you could run that wouldn’t have your fingers all over it. Plus, Breakup Girl is not at all convinced that these folks are worth it. That was a lame-ass, pointless move on his part — and frankly, it was even lamer for your so-called best friend to believe him without checking with you first. Revenge — especially given the elaborate effort it would take you to avoid suspicion — is so not worth it here. Your mission, and you should choose to accept it: quit calling other girls “sluts.” That doesn’t help.

Love,
Breakup Girl