A playa-dater from February 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My problem is that it always seems that the guys who want to get involved with me are the ones who have girlfriends waiting at home for them. One guy in particular introduced me to his girlfriend without my even having a clue that he had one. I’m really afraid of repeating the same mistake. Do you know of any signs or signals that I can look for to ensure that this will not continue to happen?

— Completely Misunderstood
Dear Misunderstood,

Use the word “scrunchie” in a sentence. If he understands you, he’s got a Betty back at home. (Alternate test word: “loofah.”)

Love,
Breakup Girl

It’s definitely not working, on February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Eight months ago, my best friend/boss started sleeping with my husband of six months. After a minor nervous breakdown (in which I bought a convertible and dyed my hair blonde), I went back to work. My question is: Am I justified in referring to her to customers as a “badly-dressed Petri dish”? And what underhanded and nasty things do you suggest to continue in my quest to be a constant and bitter thorn in her side?

— Beth

 
Dear Beth,

One of the problems with the “Petri dish” metaphor is that your customers, like Breakup Girl, will not really be sure what you mean. But there are much more important issues here. Calling her mean names is — here it comes again — legal (in a First Amendment sense), but tacky. Breakup Girl has always discouraged “underhanded and nasty acts” as a means of revenge. Why? Because they make you look bad — to the people in front of whom you most want to look good: (1) the evildoer(s), and (2) yourself. When you look back, you feel worse.

The best way to get back at those who have done you wrong is to immediately be successful all areas of your life. You were on the right track with the car and the hair.

Love,
Breakup Girl

What the Fudge? Judy Blume is giving advice to teens on the message boards over at Random Buzz! (via BuzzFeed!)

The dog days of February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I lived with Dave for three years. Asked him to move out two months ago. He is gone, but his stuff (most of it) is still here (and his dog — I want the dog). He refuses to give me back his key to my house because he wants to be able to “see” the dog when ever he wants to. How do I flush him (he’s a plumber), get rid of his stuff, keep the dog, and get my key? Thus going on with my life?

— Margie

Dear Margie,

Sorry, sistah. If visitation isn’t working, all items — canine and otherwise — must go back to their original owner. Get your own dog.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Secrets revealed on February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m seeing a girl who has very sensitive feelings — something I did not know about at the outset of the ‘relationship.’ It seemed that we were just seeing each other for the sake of not being lonely; there was no true love behind it. She was a virgin and I figured she was looking to change that with someone she felt close to. After we made love, she became very attracted to me, but she has told me twice that she’s not in love with me. However, she seems latched on to me and awaits every one of my phone calls obsessively.

I must admit it was a selfish thing for me to do but I need your help. I want to tell her that it’s best that we don’t see each other but I don’t know how because I know that she’ll break down and cry (she’s done it before). Basically, I don’t want to break her heart because her family and friends consider me a good person and I don’t want to change that! I want to do something now, before this situation becomes a mess! Thanks for your help.

— Danny

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Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly, so now you’ll get two new letters each month…

1. Jennifer is on her third go-round with Mr. Looks-like-Tim-McGraw. They dated, then broke-up, then were friends-with-benefits, broke that off, now they’re dating again — but better than ever before. Can this be real?

2. Sick of seeing both sides is frustrated by a boyfriend who wants time alone with his buddies a lot, or when they’re all together simply ignores her. Otherwise, he’s attentive and sweet — so what gives?

A “nice” kissoff from February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend broke up with me because I was “too nice.” Do you think that this was the real reason, or just an excuse?

— Tu Nice

 
Dear Tu Nice,

Either (1) he has some sort of I’m Not Worthy issue that causes him to believe that he really only deserves to date the Linda Tripps of the world, or (2) it’s not so much an excuse as a default thing to say, a lite sugar-coating. Never mind the “too;” at least, either way, he thinks you’re nice — which, arguably, is better than thinking you’re Satan (or, worse, “terrific”). I realize neither he nor Breakup Girl has given you much to work with, but honestly, it’s not worth dwelling on. Mainly, I wanted to let guys know that WOMEN GET THE “TOO NICE” THING TOO. So there.

Love,
Breakup Girl

I just can’t quit you on February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Two years ago I was involved with a great guy. We were compatible intellectually, romantically and sexually, but he moved 2,000 miles away and after an attempt to do the long distance thing, we broke it off. We remained good friends and corresponded regularly.

Now he is returning to his old neighborhood and thinks we should get together again. I’m all for it except for one problem. He is a smoker and I am a militant nonsmoker (the really annoying kind) with an allergy to cigarettes to boot! He was trying to quit when we first started dating, but since the move west, he gave up the effort. He likes it and he doesn’t care if it kills him. I try to get him not to do it around me during some of his visits home, but he does not always oblige. Even if the hacking cough didn’t always surface, the knot in the pit of my stomach every time he lights up (even when we speak on the phone) never goes away.

I don’t want this to become a power struggle. We are both stubborn, hard-headed people at times (hell, I guess that’s why we’re so compatible) and fighting about it goes nowhere. I really do want to see him again and possibly resume the relationship. How can I learn to adjust my attitude and still maybe, possibly take that chance in Hell that I can somehow encourage him to stop or at least compromise?

— Healthy Lungs in NY

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Hitting (on) close to home February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was dating a girl and as soon as I fell for her she decided that I didn’t meet her stringent expectations for a man (nothing to do with measurements, I don’t think). A couple of weeks later, my roommate decided to break the “roommate rule.” I walked in to find said roommate and my ex doing their thing in the living room. I am now a guy with no place to go. I don’t wanna go home cause I may find more shenanigans going on. Is it within my rights to kick my roommate out? Are people allowed to date their roommate’s ex? If so, how long do they need to wait before the couch-fest ensues?

— Battered in Boulder

 
Dear Battered,

This behavior is technically legal, but Melrosically tacky (see “The Tacky Factor” in last week’s column). What is within your rights is to ask them to take their business elsewhere. The two of them should have thought of that. They should also have written a letter like the next one.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Trying not to be tacky on February 2 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like one of my good friends. The problem is, he just broke up with his girlfriend K., who happens to also be a friend of mine. I know it’s not right for me to make a move and ask him out, especially because he’s not over K., and I don’t think it’s right to go out with a friend’s ex (even if we’re not close friends). But I like him a lot, and I know he feels the same about me, even though he loves K. too. How long I should wait before asking him out?

— Jennifer

 
Dear Jennifer,

Give it at least a few months. Not only out of respect for K., but also because you don’t want to get jiggy with him until he has safely exited the rebound zone. It might feel like forever, but if there really is something between you two, it’ll last. And at least you don’t have to wait as long as Charles and Camilla do.

Love,
Breakup Girl