A weighty question from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
My ex was over moving my furniture the other night — I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it was just a favor — and this guy that I’ve been dating on and off for a month and half found out. This caused a situation so uncontrollable that I lost the guy I was starting to date. We were getting along so well… but now he says he “needs space.” I don’t understand — what should I do?
— Patricia

Dear Patricia,
First of all, I think moving heavy furniture is a very good thing for an ex to do. Second, I assume he wasn’t, say, moving his stuff into your apartment. Finally, if guy #2 “needs space,” why not send your ex over to move his furniture out?

If you really do have a just-movers relationship with your ex, then yeah, Dating Boy is probably overreacting — but I can also see why he might have been a little intimidated. Furniture-moving is not a delicate favor, but it is an intimate one. So give the skittish guy one clear, pressure-free phone call just to let him know that you see why that could have been weird, and that you’d be happy to see him again if and when he’d like to. And next time, do your own heavy lifting.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Recently on CNN.com: An exploration of post-breakup revenge, featuring an unflattering anecdote about Teri Garr.

“Vengeance can be appealing when a relationship ends badly. But should you indulge?” writes FOBG Anna Jane Grossman, author of It’s Not You, It’s Me. “Revenge fantasies are normal, says Jeffrey Kaye, a San Francisco psychologist who specializes in couples counseling. ‘There is a certain element of wanting to set things right according to some universal truth — an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”

Yes! But! Keyword: fantasies. Kaye goes on: “When revenge is acted out on the other person and not just fantasized about, it can be quite destructive and self-defeating.'” That includes cutting up his suits and ties, which the article says is actually illegal.

Yeah. Sorry. The best form of revenge, in my book, is to immediately be successful in all areas of your life. Failing that, well, read BG’s full treatise on revenge — or lack thereof — which does offer some alternatives you might call “more taste, more fulfilling.” There are more revenge-related letters here, too. There’s also this instructive adventure, in which BG teams up with The Classy Avenger to right some wrongs, right. Oh, and don’t miss Mr. Wronged (scroll down for title), in which getting even gets animated!

What about you? Any instances you were glad you did NOT cave to the impulse to Oreo his car? Any evil plans you drew up but did not execute? Or, any tales of SUPREMELY ELEGANT revenge, like my friend who left all the beloved art on her pretentious ex’s walls just a teeny, seasickly bit crooked? Or my friend who did absolutely nothing, leaving his ex to wonder, smarting, why she wasn’t worth avenging in the first place?

Speaking of deconstruction, here’s a piece from Sunday’s New York Times Book Review:

At least since Dante’s Paolo and Francesca fell in love over tales of Lancelot, literary taste has been a good shorthand for gauging compatibility. These days, thanks to social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, listing your favorite books and authors is a crucial, if risky, part of self-branding. When it comes to online dating, even casual references can turn into deal breakers. “Sussing out a date’s taste in books is ‘actually a pretty good way — as a sort of first pass — of getting a sense of someone,” said Anna Fels, a Manhattan psychiatrist and the author of Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women’s Changing Lives. “It’s a bit of a Rorschach test.'”

<snip>

James Collins, whose new novel, Beginner’s Greek, is about a man who falls for a woman he sees reading The Magic Mountain on a plane, recalled that after college, he was “infatuated” with a woman who had a copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being on her bedside table. “I basically knew nothing about Kundera, but I remember thinking, ‘Uh-oh; trendy, bogus metaphysics, sex involving a bowler hat,’ and I never did think about the person the same way (and nothing ever happened),” he wrote in an e-mail message. “I know there were occasions when I just wrote people off completely because of what they were reading long before it ever got near the point of falling in or out of love: Baudrillard (way too pretentious), John Irving (way too middlebrow), Virginia Woolf (way too Virginia Woolf).” Come to think of it, Collins added, “I do know people who almost broke up” over The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen: “‘Overrated!’ ‘Brilliant!’ ‘Overrated!’ ‘Brilliant!’”

For me, honestly, the literary dealbreaker I recall most clearly was the guy who had no books. What about you? Which suitors have you judged — fairly or not — by their covers? Post your mini-memoir here.

When it came to discussion of last week’s Ask Lynn/MSN letter, “Call me when you’re skinny,” you guys had an appetite for deconstruction. 108 comments so far — thanks, all! — and opinions all over the map.

Not all of them, however, sat well with FOBG Kate Harding. Some highlights from her comment in response:

1. “The ignorance about fat people’s lifestyles and abilities on this thread is really pretty astounding. So many people automatically assume this woman is a lazy glutton with limited mobility…We’re going on very little information here, but that doesn’t seem to bother some people, because they hear the word ‘overweight’ and suddenly, they know EVERYTHING.”
2. “Dude has every right not to date a fat woman if that’s not what floats his boat — just as we all have a right to our own attractions and dealbreakers…So those of you who don’t want to date fat people can rest easy — no one will ever force you to — but you might want to reconsider your assumptions about how hard it is for fat people to find love in the absence of your approval.”
3. “Fat is not a romantic death sentence. It only means you don’t get to date people who don’t want to date fat people. Which works out just fine for everyone.”

But the divine Ms. Harding was only getting started.

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Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This one may be less of a lightning rod than last week’s “Call me when you’re skinny,” but we’re betting there’s something we can all relate to in the letter from “Not Over in Denver.”

His story: He’s in New York, she’s in Denver. They meet online. They are together (mostly online but a few times off) for seven months, during which time he “nurses her back to health” after a collosally crappy series of psychological challenges. Some thanks: She leaves him for her brother-in-law’s best friend, ten years her junior. His questions: “As dumb as it may seem, should I even hope that we might reconcile down the road? I mean, what are the chances she will even last with this younger guy? If she and I don’t date again, is there anything I can do about the fact that we ended terribly, which I regret? And how can I find closure on this?”

Yep, those are pretty much the million-dollar questions of just about any breakup. Lynn answers them all (‘That’ll be $4,000,000″) — and offers this bonus: closure ain’t as hard to find as you think. Read the whole story, and then come back here to comment!

And now a word from a BG VIP: It’s Broken Heart Bob, the original Loft-Builder!

When we first meet BHB, he asks, nicely, how he can be a nice guy without being The Nice Guy. The guy who women flock to… for help with odd jobs. You know, the guy whose shoulder women cry on…about other men.

Several months after that, he’s back, and he’s crushing on someone 11 years his senior — though at least, thankfully, not expressing his feelings by offering to drive her to the airport or move her piano.

Then: Another missive detailing a massive dating drought in which dry conditions also help set an old flame alight. Which would be hot except for the part where she’s married to a doofus. And now he’s got a tattoo: a tattoo of the earth on his shoulder. The world! On his shoulder! Oh, the weight! Oh, Broken Heart Bob!

And now! BHB writes from Africa! Turns out our man has joined the Peace Corps. In other words, he is building the world a loft, in a good way. Here is his latest missive, plus a bit of a pep talk from BG. (Note: This response from BG to long-time VIP/FOBG BHB is an extra-special VIP case. Please send your requests for advice to my alter-ego at AskLynn@match.com) Feel free to add your comments as well!

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Cushioning the blow on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you tell a guy that there’s nothing between you without being too blunt?
— Schaefer

Dear Schaefer,
IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: Mean is bad, but blunt is fine. “Hey, I think you’re great, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s really nothing romantic between us. End of story, morning glory. Blunt (as opposed to harsh) is the cleanest, most respectful, most effective way to go.

Why? Let’s say you spent all night constructing an elaborate, sugar-coated, cushiony, Downy soft, April-fresh, “explanation” for the breakup (or for why you’re not interested). When you use it, you will get one of two results:

1) Your dis is so feathery-light that your ex-to-be will call you three hours later and say “Okay, have you had enough ‘space’ yet?” Or,

2) frankly, he or she will be offended by your patronizing and BS-ification, and may even write to Breakup Girl to share the ridiculous thing that you said. If you don’t believe me, read the next letter down.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Cushioning the blow with laughter on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you think of the pathetic statement, “I broke up with you because I love you so much and I was afraid you might become unhappy with our relationship?”
— Cris

Dear Cris,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Breakup Girl

Questioning loyalty from January 9, 1998… 

Dear Breakup Girl,
How can you make your boyfriend stay and love you forever and ever? How can you convey to him the value of loyalty, avid affection and obsession? Answer me! Very important! You can get a reward or even a trophy if you answer these questions.
— Sky

Dear Sky,
If Breakup Girl knew that, she’d be out of a job (or rich, or in prison). Seriously, though, I printed your letter because I like your style — but you don’t know how many people have asked me that question with no hint of irony whatsoever.

So listen up, everyone, to this IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: You can’t make anyone do anything. Think about it: did your parents ever really make you do anything? Even if they did, did you want to when they did? Was your heart in it? The more they made you eat your rutabagas, the more you hated rutabagas, right?

So, you guys: do not, repeat, DO NOT do the rutabaga thing on your intended. Find someone who — without needing your help — treats you as the fresh and tasty thing that you are!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today we meet “Is Beauty Only Skin Deep?”, who has met someone of her own — online, anyway. Endless phone calls, round-the-clock IM, talk of marriage, sheer bliss…at least over optical fiber. But when her fella finally sees her photo (yes, after the M-word comes up), it’s perhaps his true face that shows. His response: “You’re pretty, but can you call again when you lose some weight?”

That, or when pigs fly?

Read the whole shebang, and then come back here to comment!