A real go-getter from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I really like this guy — should I ask him out? Or should I wait until he does?
–Confused

Dear Confused,
There’s something to be said for waiting. Not because I think we should go back to the time when girls didn’t ask guys out, there were no women in Congress, etc. But because it’s fun to get asked out! It’s flattering! It’s thrilling! (Unless your suitor is that weird boy who wears shorts year-round, even in winter. You know the one.) And, more often than not, it’s useful — when he makes the first move, your preliminary guesswork is over: you know he’s interested, or at least “curious” (my term for one notch below “interested”).

But the same goes both ways. If you really want to be all you -go-girl about it, well then, you go, girl. Ask him out. Once. If he’s busy (or “busy”), you’ve at least made your point. Ball’s in his court now. You don’t have time to chase or flatter. You’ve got to work on that bid for Congress.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today, we meet Frankly Frustrated, who comes by his nickname honestly. What’s the problem? No love from his lover. “My girlfriend and I have a great relationship except for one thing: sex. There is no passion or excitement in our relationship,” he writes. And: “I try to initiate intimacy, but she just buries her head in my chest and hugs me.” And: “Kissing is huge for me, but she doesn’t like to kiss, because she says she can’t breathe out of her nose.”

Yyyyyeah. Lynn felt the same way when she read that line and snarfed her seltzer. How can Frankly get some heavy breathing back into his life? Find out here — and then come back to comment!

Find out what she told Frankly here — and then come back to comment!

“I’m crazy about her!” “My ex is a psycho hose beast!” It is customary, and often fitting, to dip into the lexicon of mania to describe love and its effects, salutary or otherwise. But what happens when real mental illness — the kind that shows up in the DSM — shows up in our relationships?

Breakup Girl has dealt with that issue here and elsewhere. And now, an essay from Nerve.com by Justin Clark, which just surfaced via Alternet, offers a compelling personal read about what it’s like to love someone bipolar. It is possible, Clark maintains, even fascinating and rewarding. “When I looked at Sara, I felt inspiration, not pity,” he says of the date on which she outed herself as bipolar. “And even though I’m not the type to plunge quickly into relationships, I was convinced I was in love. I invited her back to my place. Aside from a quick trip to clean out her studio apartment a few weeks later, she never went home. ‘Of the two of us,’ I told her as we lay happily in bed, ‘I must be the crazier one.'” Read the rest here. It’s harrowing and lovely. (And after that, after all these dark posts about DSMs and STIs and Client 9s — crazy, right? — we promise to lighten things up for you ASAP.)

Looking for signs on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I think my boyfriend’s going to dump me. Are there any signs that I can look for to be sure?
— Confused Betty

Dear Betty,
Is this a familiar feeling? Look back over the last couple of Baldwins in your life – did you think they were going to dump you too? (Whether they did or not is beside the point.) If so, the the only important “sign” here is the one in your head that reads, “INSECURITY ZONE! I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE THIS BOYFRIEND.” And that’s one sign you should spray-paint over pretty fast.

But maybe you think he’s going to dump you because, oh, I don’t know, he doesn’t call, act happy to be with you, or treat you like the Princess Betty that you are. If so, then, with all due respect, what are you doing asking me for more signs? You’re the one who needs to put up that big billboard that says “Buh-bye.”
Love,
Breakup Girl

A note on notes from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I’ve learned all there is to know about the breakup now, but haven’t experienced the going-out part yet. What’s the best way to let a guy know that you’re interested — note, phone, in person, a friend…?
— Jennie

Dear Jennie,
Whatever you do, don’t have “a friend” let him know. That will turn your would-be romance into something out of “My So-Called Life” faster than you can say “Jordan Catalano.” And a note is way too Shakespeare — plus, it could fall into the wrong hands, or never reach your intended at all (speaking of Claire Danes). Keep it simple — old-fashioned, even. Ask him out for a malted; invite him to the dance; bring him along with your friends to the movies. He’ll at least start to get the hint — but if he doesn’t take it, move on.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Via BG’s alter ego at Broadsheet:

Hey, kids, how’s that abstinence-only sex ed going for you? The answer, if you ask the grown-ups, often has to do with how many teens simply don’t abstain and how many get pregnant (PDF) as a result. But the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention remind us that there are other consequences to sexual cluelessness, and right now, they’re pretty darn dire. That is, the first study of its kind on this demographic has revealed that one in four American girls has a sexually transmitted infection. At least one STI, actually. Mostly HPV (which can cause cervical cancer), then chlamydia (linked to infertility), plus herpes simplex and trichomoniasis. Nearly half the black teens surveyed had an STI, compared with 20 percent among both whites and Mexican-American teens.

Man. Be careful, you guys! Don’t think you can’t get something because it’s your first time, or because you used a condom (HPV can be wilier than that), or because you just, like, think you can’t. I’m certainly not trying to perpetuate the ridiculous — but still deeply hurtful — stigma associated with STIs. But these things can harsh your mellow, cramp your dating style, and, in some cases, compromise your health down the road. Get checked (some STIs are asymptomatic), take precautions (less than 100 percent effective in certain cases is way better than nothing, which is ZERO percent effective), and while you’re at it, lobby for your state to join the 17 others that have refused funding for abstinence-only education (which, you see, has also been less than 100 percent effective).

An easy one from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you do if you have a vacation planned with your significant other but you want to break up with her?
–John

Dear John,
Few things are less romantic than a romantic vacation with someone who’s planning to dump you. Do the deed; take a buddy.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today, we meet “Helpless in Love,” who has met the person she has been looking for her “whole life,” she says. “I can talk to him about anything and in return he tells me everything… I’ve had boyfriends and thought that I was in love, but it was nothing like this. I think of this man as my best friend, my confidant. He makes me feel sexy and pretty. How,” she asks, “do I express how I feel?”

Catch? What catch? Well, there’s this: how might HIS WIFE express how she feels?

Lynn has pretty strong feelings herself. Read on…

Going the distance on January 9, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
My girlfriend just moved to Dallas — about 300 miles from where I am. I will be moving there in about 5 months. Should we try to continue the relationship long distance, or see other people for a while?
–Dustin
Dear Dustin,
You tell me. I mean, have you guys already agreed that you’ll start up again when you’re both in Dallas? Are you moving there to be with her? In that case, if y’all think you can’t go five months without a little something something in between … well, that doesn’t speak well for the shelf-life of your commitment (It’s not that long! Penelope and Odysseus — well, Penelope, anyway — would laugh in your face!). But if you two really aren’t sure what’s in store, then sure, free yourselves up. And when you get to Dallas, see how interested she is in helping you move your furniture. It could be a sign.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Workplace tragedy from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I’ve been friends with a very attractive co-worker for about one and a half years. She works about ten feet away from me. Recently, she started flirting back with me; I had been flirtatious most of the time, but had gotten no response. I was very excited and was walking on clouds. We went on three dates, one of them was fairly passionate, and then she calls me and says she only wants to be friends. Her reason was that she felt ‘pressured by me’. When I asked her what I was doing to pressure her and offered to stop what ever it might be, she gave me no reason but said the old “it’s me, not you” line. I have to pass by her office several times a day and feel very uncomfortable. How do I cope? Help!
— BT
Dear BT,
Ah, the work breakup: the mother of all pink slips. Even though Breakup Girl works alone, very much alone, at BGHQ, she does have a little insight into the special circumstances/complications of the job-related jilt. One thing I’ve observed is that women tend to be a little more cautious than men about office romance. They’re the ones who — whether in reality or only somewhere in the back of their minds — still have to worry most about separating the personal and professional, about the whole slept-her-way-to-the-corner-office stereotype. I know she’s your co-worker (as opposed to your subordinate, or, even more “Disclosure,” your boss), but still, this may be part of what gave her the jitters.

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