Dear Breakup Girl,
I am currently in a relationship that I should not be in but the two of us just can not end it. I am starting to see someone else, but I feel really guilty doing so. I have told the old one kind of what is going on and the new one has no clue the other ever occurred. The old flame and I can never be together because of the age difference, but we love each other so much that we just can not end it. We have tried many times before and it seems like it only lasts a day or two before we are back together. What do I do?
— Suzanne
Dear Suzanne,
Yes, major age difference can be a problem; like if you remember where you were when they kicked Puck out of “Real World: San Francisco” and he doesn’t, you guys may not have a lot to talk about. But hey, my old high school chorus-mate Victoria Duffy married Dennis Hopper, 30 years her senior, and when I see her in Interview Magazine at all those benefit galas and awards dinners, she looks awfully happy.
We knew him when! Our pal Rob Paravonian was an integral part of the Breakup Girl Live show at Gotham Comedy Club in NYC where he originated the Breakup Girl Theme. He’s also the inspiration for Defender Stratocaster, and voiced one of our cartoons. NOW he’s an Internet superstar, where his million-view YouTube video is getting TRANSLATED INTO GERMAN.
It’s been seven years since BG’s last online adventures, but now the advice and hijinks continue! On February 14th we will start posting (weekly!) what we call The New Adventures of Breakup Girl over the next six months!
The comic strip exploits of Breakup Girl and the gang were revived last year by Lifetime Mobile, who commissioned 28 brand new adventures as part of a 52-week rollout of BG stories on the CELL PHONE. Now, starting Thursday we will be bringing these stories to you on the web!
Because the strips were continuous on Lifetime Mobile, there is no gap between the 1997-2000 run and the new stories; There’s no “where are they now” hilarity or epic “Breakup Girl Returns” plotlines. In the spirit of continuity, here’s where we left off… Remember “Supervillains: A Love Story”–?
The country that brought us the Lovegety continues to be a relationship innovator:
TOKYO (Reuters) – Lovelorn staff at a Japanese marketing company can take paid time off after a bad break-up with a partner, with more “heartache leave” on offer as they get older.
Tokyo-based Hime & Company, which also gives staff paid time off to hit the shops during sales season, says heartache leave allows staff to cry themselves out and return to work refreshed. “Not everyone needs to take maternity leave but with heartbreak, everyone needs time off, just like when you get sick,” CEO Miki Hiradate, whose company of six women markets cosmetics and other goods targeted for women, told Reuters by telephone.
Dear Breakup Girl,
Hey, I’m the guy that got the sledgehammer to the heart this time! What is it about them loving you, but not being in love with you and just wanting to be friends? I’m such a nice guy, you just don’t want to fall in love with me? What’s up with that?
— Jilted Guy
Dear Jilted Guy,
Ah, the Nice Guy thing. Definitely a fair question. There are two situations in which women employ the Nice Guy defense. One is used to explain why you don’t want to go out with someone in the first place. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you; on the contrary, it means she honestly likes you. But it does mean that for her, something about the two of you together fails to create that inexplicable combustion called chemistry. Women get the “nice” dis too, by the way. If you don’t believe me, just observe the Janeane Garofalo character in “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” (unless you’ve seen it already, which could explain why your ex called you “nice”).
We are kicking off our new blog with the very first advice letter that we answered back on December 1, 1997–yeah, 10 years and two months ago! Along with new comics, news and observations, our plan is to present “classic” advice letters daily for new readers to discover and old fans to (finally!) comment on …
Dear Breakup Girl,
I am SO OVER HIM, I really am. Having bought your book and followed its wisdom, I even have a spiffy (better!) new boyfriend. But I worry that I’m a bad person ’cause I am sort of obsessed with my ex’s new girlfriend, who is richer, thinner, and more Society than me. I am not exaggerating, she’s got a Celebrity Hair Stylist and everything. He must be all “God, how could I have gone out with that cow when I now have this beauty?” And I worry I’ll bump into her at the supermarket (though probably she sends a serf to do her shopping) and she’ll look at me and sneer. Why do I care? It’s really annoying me.
— Out of Groceries
Dear Out of Groceries,
The way I see it, you are actually fortunate that this Lord of the Flies with shopping serfs is a huge heinous society babe with Celebrity Hair. Let’s say, instead, that your non-spiffy ex had started dating someone REALLY SIMILAR TO YOU. Then you’d really have something to worry about. Even though you are over him (I believe you!), you’d be comparing yourself to her on a much less superficial, much more meaningful — and thus much more intimidating — level. Not “What if he likes her better because she got to take him to that party that Shalom Harlow and whats-her-name von Furstenburg were at?” but “What if he likes her better because…she’s a better person?”
Trust me, it’s better this way.
Love,
Breakup Girl
P.S. Would it help if a rumor got spread that the next hot Celebrity Hair Style is the revival of the Dorothy Hamill? Breakup Girl will make some calls.
e-mail to a friend in need
From the December 1, 1997 column…
