The blogosphere is OMGing over Gossip Boy Chace Crawford’s split with Idol darling Carrie Underwood via text message. Sure the couple were dunzo a while azo, but a fresh quote from Carrie over the weekend provided the juicy SMS twist to their “mutual” breakup that has people typing.To us, Charrie (Crawwood?) never seemed so serious that decorum would dictate a face-to-face breakup — especially with C-Bear constantly on tour — but there’s something about texting that suggests “I want to spend as little time on this breakup as possible and use the fewest number of letters.” Ouch. What do people think? Is this the appropriate way to extricate oneself when one of the parties has their own commemorative Louisville Slugger?

Cushioning the blow on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you tell a guy that there’s nothing between you without being too blunt?
— Schaefer

Dear Schaefer,
IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: Mean is bad, but blunt is fine. “Hey, I think you’re great, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s really nothing romantic between us. End of story, morning glory. Blunt (as opposed to harsh) is the cleanest, most respectful, most effective way to go.

Why? Let’s say you spent all night constructing an elaborate, sugar-coated, cushiony, Downy soft, April-fresh, “explanation” for the breakup (or for why you’re not interested). When you use it, you will get one of two results:

1) Your dis is so feathery-light that your ex-to-be will call you three hours later and say “Okay, have you had enough ‘space’ yet?” Or,

2) frankly, he or she will be offended by your patronizing and BS-ification, and may even write to Breakup Girl to share the ridiculous thing that you said. If you don’t believe me, read the next letter down.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Cushioning the blow with laughter on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you think of the pathetic statement, “I broke up with you because I love you so much and I was afraid you might become unhappy with our relationship?”
— Cris

Dear Cris,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Breakup Girl

Looking for signs on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I think my boyfriend’s going to dump me. Are there any signs that I can look for to be sure?
— Confused Betty

Dear Betty,
Is this a familiar feeling? Look back over the last couple of Baldwins in your life – did you think they were going to dump you too? (Whether they did or not is beside the point.) If so, the the only important “sign” here is the one in your head that reads, “INSECURITY ZONE! I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE THIS BOYFRIEND.” And that’s one sign you should spray-paint over pretty fast.

But maybe you think he’s going to dump you because, oh, I don’t know, he doesn’t call, act happy to be with you, or treat you like the Princess Betty that you are. If so, then, with all due respect, what are you doing asking me for more signs? You’re the one who needs to put up that big billboard that says “Buh-bye.”
Love,
Breakup Girl

An easy one from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you do if you have a vacation planned with your significant other but you want to break up with her?
–John

Dear John,
Few things are less romantic than a romantic vacation with someone who’s planning to dump you. Do the deed; take a buddy.
Love,
Breakup Girl

“Muffy is no longer in a relationship with Biff.” It’s the Facebook news feed from hell! On the one hand, it’s an easy way to tell all your friends. On the other, it’s an easy way to tell all your “friends.” And to get one million “What happened?!” messages that you really, really don’t feel like answering.

Wired magazine to the rescue! From this month’s issue: “Next time you split, in the ‘News Feed and Mini-Feed’ section of your profile settings, change ‘In a Relationship’ to the default ‘Select Status.’ But there’s a hitch [or not]: Your ex’s Mini-Feed will display an update in their relationship status, tipping off the gossip hounds…. You have no choice but to ask your former boo to delete it, ASAP.” Sigh. Remember when all it took to finalize a breakup was a really long and drawn-out and painful conversation?

A case of EX-squared from January 5, 1998… 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was seeing this guy for two years and we practically lived with each other. I finally broke things off because we had such different ideas about what life should be like. He and I remained friends and in actuality our relationship continued except we were free to do what we wanted to. His family and I are extremely close and I just spent Christmas at his family’s home. Just recently I met a wonderful man and he and I have everything in common. How do I make my ex understand that I have to move on in order to make my life happy without completely breaking his heart?

–Completely Confused
Dear Completely Confused,

With breakups like these, who needs boyfriends? The we-broke-up-but-we-still-sleep-together arrangement is normally designed to quell separation anxiety and get you through hormone monsoon season. But you’ve also retained family visitation rights! Wow! This is a a new one for Breakup Girl.

(more…)

A question of timing from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Is it best to break up with her when you know it won’t last, just to end it on good terms?
— Jon

Dear Jon,
It’s best to break up with her when you know it won’t last, period. Breakup Girl does not endorse impulsive breakups — hasty, nasty little spasms attributable to moon phases, mood swings, mood rings, and such (as in “I hate the way s/he blinks. It’s over”). Breakup Girl does, however, encourage swift — yet sensible, sensitive — action on breakups waiting (if not begging) to happen, especially if someone might be leading someone on. Still, even a timely jilt does not automatically produce “good terms” — at least not necessarily right away. But you’re on the right track.
Love,
Breakup Girl