Not getting the message on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

There is this girl whom I’ve known for quite awhile and have liked romantically but still haven’t got anywhere with her other than just being friends. To combine problems she lives in another state but I do see her on a regular basis. She is moving in the near future and I have suggested that she to move closer to me. Anyway, the problem I have is her mixed signals. I read your advice on just asking and I have tried hard to get a response. I have backed her into a corner (so to speak) to get a response about whether she wants me romantically or wants me to just to be friends. She doesn’t say anything either way. I always give her an opportunity to back out and she never does. I have been the “nice guy” without trying too hard like you suggested. I have tested the waters by sending her flowers and gifts without too much of a response either way. I do really like this girl but it seems to be a one sided deal and would like a reponse either way. If she doesn’t like me I would like to hear it from her, instead of always being accommodating. What do you suggest I do to win her over (if that’s possible) ?

— Joe

BG’s answer after the jump!

Further investigation from November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was recently dumped by the one who I thought of as perfect. We had fun, talked easily, felt comfortable with each other and had great chemistry to boot. Suddenly he starts making “I’m not ready for a committment” noises and he takes up with someone else. I think I’ve done a fairly good job of moving on. It took four weeks and a 10 pound weight loss, but I think I’m getting better. But tell me, how does one deal with the urge to stalk? I found out as much about HER as I could. (She’s a player with a less than sterling reputation.) I go by her house to see if he’s there. (He always is.) It hurts me to know that he’s with her and not me. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

— Aching

Dear Aching,

I really hope that you didn’t lose 10 pounds by jogging by her house. Some of what you call “stalking” (which is actually a serious word that we should try not to throw around) — or at least the urge — is natural and understandable. What’s she got that I ain’t? You want the 411. But when the 411 is too much information, why do you keep dialing? Good question. Why, in fact, do we keep doing anything that smarts? Maybe, in this case, because being dumped makes you feel like such a helpless, passive victim that torturing yourself is a weird twisted therapy — “Hey,” you think, “at least I have a say in being hurt this time.”

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Unsettled on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a problem. I’m almost 24, and am feeling very unsettled with life at the moment. Some major changes have happened over the last year or so. My relationship of 5 years ended, I finished University, made a cross-country move, I got a job, got laid off, got another job, changed my religion (from Christianity to Paganism) and made some great friends in my new city who all subsequently moved overseas. I now have no friends and am finding it hard to meet others (and yes, I have done all those things like join clubs etc).

But, that is not my problem. I want to travel. I am currently saving money so I can get going. I will be going to Scotland to meet up with one of my friends who left, and we will then backpack the world. Pretty much going wherever we feel like. I have wanted to do this for ages, and am not about to change my mind now.

My problem is this. I am reaching that age when people expect you to settle down, buy a house/apartment, get married, start really shooting up the corporate ladder etc. But, I am not in the least bit interested in all this mundane reality. Not yet anyway. However, I am finding increasing pressure to start settling down, look for a boyfriend and potential future husband and ease into full adulthood. The family (who I am once again living with to save money for my big adventure) constantly drop broad hints about this. But I am not ready, and quite frankly don’t know if I ever will be. At the moment I could quite easily spend the next 10 years picking olives in Greece, sweeping floors in Mexico and building walls in China. Is this vision unrealistic? Am I too old to be doing this now? Is 35 too old to really start your adult life? How do I make the family understand? All these questions! Yet, in my soul I know this is something I have to do for myself. If I don’t I will eternally regret it.

Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated.Thanks.

— Edana

BG’s answer after the jump!

Totally territorial on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Recently I got to know a wonderful American guy over the Internet. We spent a while exchanging erotic e-mails while his then new girlfriend was out of the country. (In our defence, he was very unsure about the relationship with his girlfriend at the time, and I was foolishly convinced he was falling as deeply in love with me as I was with him).

His girlfriend came back to the US and they began to get closer. Then, he came over to Ireland on a sales conference and he and I actually met. We got on wonderfully and I really thought this was “it.” Notwithstanding the immense sexual tension between us, we didn’t do anything. I was glad of this, because he would have been a lesser guy than I thought he was if he had cheated on his girlfriend.

We discussed how inappropriate the erotic e-mails had been, and decided to go back to being just friends.

Here’s my quibble: we met on a Website bulletin board, which his girfriend has recently taken to frequenting. Now, she can read whatever she wants on this site, but I hate seeing her write in. I can cope with her in the realm of the theoretical, but really don’t want to read all about how she and he met and fell in love. I feel that she is straying into my turf, and am becoming increasingly territorial about it. (I should, of course, just not read the posts, but the masochist in me finds it hard to do).

Am I crazy, or is it understandable to have”our” Website, the way others have “our” tune?

And more to the point, can I/should I do anything about it?

Yours,
Jealous in Ireland

BG’s response after the jump!

Getting with the program on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl:

First of all, I want to thank you for your site. I have been reading it for months, and am always impressed and amused by the advice you offer.

Secondly, I’m afraid I may be in the running for the longest advice question ever. I have tried to get it down to a minimum, but it’s still pretty long-winded and involved (sorry). Here goes: My third marriage (which lasted 14 years) broke up over two years ago. Since the divorce I chose not to pursue relationships because of my poor track record with marriage, among other issues. But during these two years a lot of things have changed in my life and I have a much better understanding and perspective. Although I am well educated and have a good job, bottom line, I am an addict and always got involved with other active addicts — not a good situation to be sure, but I had no insight into this until I got clean and sober.

I am getting tired of being on my own and would like to have a meaningful relationship. But it’s tough –I’ve been out of the dating/relationship loop for so long that I feel like an adolescent, which I definitely am not. Add to that the complications noted above, and I’m a tough sell, even though I am still an attractive woman. Up until recently I hadn’t met anyone that I wanted to get involved with either, so when it happened, I was pretty stoked.

About 6 weeks ago after a 12-step meeting I went to a coffee shop with a bunch of people and struck up a conversation with The Guy (TG). We really clicked — talked non-stop for almost 2 hours. That night he indirectly asked me to a dance (“Are you going? — I’ll be there….), so I went and we had a nice time. We danced and talked and he walked me to my car when I left, but he didn’t try to kiss me and we didn’t exchange phone numbers (I had told him I didn’t have a phone).

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn tries to help a Girl in one crazy situation. You see, there’s this co-worker she’s been flirting with, but now …

Complication #1: he just got promoted… to being my supervisor.

Ooof! But, wait, there’s another complication and it involves hacked email! Read all the juicy details — along with Lynn’s advice — at Happen, then comment below!

Feels like the first time on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ok, I hate asking for advice. About anything. I detest asking for directions when I’m driving (I get lost a lot) and I really, really, really hate asking advice about anything personal. But, jeez, I’m confused. No, wait, nervous is more like it. Here’s the deal: I have a boyfriend. I love him a lot. We have a good relationship. He’s totally sweet, I’ve known him since I was a freshman (I’m 18 now and in college) and he was a sophomore in high school. In fact, we once dated [three years ago] too. So our relationship has a pretty strong base. I’m completely secure and happy. Great. Super. Wonderful. Right? Problem is, we recently agreed to start having sex. Now this is not a “should we or shouldn’t we” are we ready kind of question. I know I’m ready. I’m not a virgin, haven’t been for a while, and I’m comfortable with that. It’s not like I’ve been sleeping around. I lost my virginity two and a half years ago to my best friend…it was a mutual curiosity thing, and I’m glad I lost it to someone I love as much as him…even in a friendly way. I’ve been with two other guys since (both long-term relationships) and haven’t felt guilty or weird at all. Until now. Cuz, see, the thing is, well, he (my boyfriend) is a virgin. Yep, 19 years old, never slept with anybody. Don’t get me wrong, I love that. I think it’s totally cute. It makes him even more attractive. I just feel kinda strange having quite a bit more experience than him. He knows he won’t be my first, we have an honest relationship. And I can tell it’s weird for him. I know he still really cares for me and all, but I think it’s like, painful for him to think about other me with other guys. In fact, he told me so. How do I put him at ease? I love the guy, and I feel so loved and flattered that he would sleep with me. I know he’s turned down lots of other girls, so for him to feel ready to sleep with me, only me, really says a lot for his feelings. He’s a really sensitive guy (almost scarily femininely sensitive) and I want him to know that it is equally special for me, which it is. So it basically boils down to this: How do I have sex with him without hurting his feelings? Strange question, I know, but I’m worried! Thanks a bunch…

— Nicole

BG’s answer after the jump!

Where’s the romance on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

So here’s a really odd dilemma. My boyfriend of about a year just asked me to marry him. Great, right? Well, yeah, except there were no bells and whistles, no ring, no special moment, just–we had lunch, we did the dishes, he asked me to marry him–you get the picture. And believe me, I am nothing if not direct with this man–as soon as the subject of marriage came up, I told him I wanted the full shebang, including an engagement ring. (We are both in our 40’s and have been married before, so it’s not so obvious that I would want a traditional engagement.) When we talked about it afterward, he asked if I were disappointed that he didn’t go the traditional route. I didn’t say, uhhh, yeah, but I did tell him I thought there was a reason people set special moments aside in their lives–to say “this is a very important moment and I want to make sure this lasts in my memory.”

To present his side of the story: he said he was happy to do something special when he presents me with the ring, but he was feeling that if he put off asking just because he hadn’t found the right ring, or had to save up to buy it, or wait for the right moment to propose, that it would become an empty ritual. He also said that his proposal was un-premeditated and he just went with the impulse.

I said yes to his proposal, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that, if he ignored my request about something this important to me–what’s he going to do when other important issues come along? I hate to say this, but I feel a little like a special moment and memory has been stolen from me.

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Rushing things on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 20…and I recently became a widow…my husband was 24…and we have a one year old daughter. He and I were together for almost 2 years. Towards the end…our marriage was on really rocky ground..and I wanted out…but things changed when he all of a sudden died. What I’m curious about is…when is it appropriate to start dating again? I loved my husband…but wasn’t in love with him at the end. I’m anxious to jump out there again, but I’m really worried how my family and friends will react. How long do I live the part of the grieving widow in mourning..? Rather than the grieving widow who needs to get on with her life? Help!

–Lauren

BG’s answer after the jump!

Going to work on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

As a long-time reader (and definitely big fan!) I know you’ve addressed the issue I’m writing about many times, but this time it’s ME so of course this is different (ha-ha). I’m referring to the mega-crush-on-the-guy-at-work saga.

This is the weirdest thing. I’ve worked with this man almost 3 yrs., the last 2 yrs. directly on my team. Our team has 8 people, I’m the only female, and we’re all really close. This already sounds like it could be trouble, huh? Four weeks ago I realized — after all this time — that I absolutely adore him. And yes, he’s definitely worthy of potloads of admiration.

Ok, so I’m thinking, “this is a crush, you can live with it ’til it goes away.” But I actually know it isn’t a crush, and it isn’t going to go away. The harder I try to put this away, the harder it keeps bouncing back up. Best analogy: it’s like trying to hold an air-filled ball underwater. If you hold it down, you can’t see it, but you expend a lot of energy keeping it there, and it bounces up really hard now and then anyway. If you don’t push it under, it just keeps floating around on the top where you have to deal with it all the time. This situation is obnoxious and annoying.

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