A Bonus Predicament from November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thank you so much for answering my letter last week. Actually, when you wrote the “Friends to Lovers” column the week after I sent it, I sort of figured that it applied to me, so that you’d already responded, and I realized I should consider taking the advice in that column. There hasn’t been any closure to the story yet, but I just wanted to answer the very insightful points you brought up:

>1. “We ended up pretty much revealing our feelings
> for each other.” Pretty much? Was this revelation,
> on her part, a sober, solid, lucid statement of
> fact/lust? Or, perhaps, did you make the first
> confession, and then go on to inflate her
> Chianti-enhanced, engagement-jittery being-nice
> rejoinder

What I meant is, we kissed that night. Trust me, I always recheck audio tracks — as you noticed, I read texts very closely (I used to think this tendency was beneficial), and it was definitely her who made the first confession. I was more surprised than anybody that the subject ever came up. (OK, perhaps there was a small Chianti element, but I know I was completely avoiding the topic, for fear of jeopardizing our friendship.)

> The voice of caution, however, would like to note
> that BG does not hear from you anywhere near the
> level of love-or-die urgency she did from G. It’s not
> even at the level of publish or perish.

No, it’s love or die all right. It is also certainly at the level of publish or perish, as in *if she’s not there I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive school anymore.* I was just trying to tone down the emotion so that I could right a reasonably clear and concise message. You should have seen me dejected and pouting for about two months after she left for the summer. (My friends all thought I was like that character in Swingers, except I never broke out of it.) The Guy at the End of the Bar is right about this one. But I haven’t had a chance recently to take anyone’s advice. Here’s a brief update, showing that things are, if anything, even more unclear now than when I wrote you (at least to me):

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Predicament of the Week from November 2, 1998…

El Duderino Rides Again … and Again…Now in Second Place for All-Time BG P/W Appearances

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, I have no intention to break the record on serial Predicament of the Week (Brad). So I’ll try to keep this brief and relatively less colorful.

Second of all, you were accurate about the pitfalls of seeing life through tinted glasses. Very perceptive. However, I hesitate to peg Japanese Girl as one of those first decent meal after coming out from self-imposed exile. I don’t think I have loss my common sense to have fallen for someone who just happened to “step in.” JG is INDEED a truly righteous babe. My heart grins just thinking about her. It follows, of course, that I did not fall for the sake of falling.

And third of all, I don’t have a third-of-all, but still.

From my angst/metaphor ridden letters, you would not have gotten the impression that, in “real life,” I am basically this aggressive, devilishly mean, Newman/Brando-ish stockbroker. I don’t think I have split personalities, may be I’m just a bit more in touch with my feminine side, two hard-core feminist sisters made sure of that. Frankly, this affair with JG deserves more delicate consideration as opposed to one of those million dollar trade, where you coldly calculate your beta, stare at your candle-stick charts, and say “well, this trade “SUCKS,” lets cut it loose.” If it was that simple, with all due respect, my sentiment and prose wouldn’t have been this purple.

(This straight talk does not in anyway diminishes my respect for, and gratitude towards BG. But I digress)

Anyway, it’s not really like that, is it? I mean like how do you rationally reconcile the fact that a mean and nasty schmuck like me can feel completely vulnerable and soft in front of this woman? (It’s true, I so eat dudes like those in Glengary Glen Ross for breakfast and I’m so not purposely deprecating for the effect of juicing the script.) How then do you explain that a man, whose favorite phase is “that’s not my problem,” could spend hours mixing paint and rubbing them into the canvas to paint her portrait and then later argue with himself about hues in his sleep? How do you conjure the image of a normally serious adult who manipulates his facial muscles doing an impersonation of “The Boiling Pea Soup” to the beat of Harlem Shuffle, making a complete fool of himself in the process, for her amusement just to hear that glorious note of laughter?

How, pray tell?

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Talking is overrated on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

A year ago I walked into the first day of class and saw the most beautiful girl I had seen in a VERY long time. I had a huge crush instantly. Everyone has certain criteria, whether they know them or not, and She meets all of mine. Intelligent, funny, caring, active, silly, an incredible smile, beautiful eyes… ouch!

Anyways, a few months later I noticed her talking to me more frequently and had the feeling something was happening but thought nothing of it. While we were in Toronto for a conference, we went out with mutual friends one night. Her friend, whom she was staying with suggested I crash at her place since it was closer. I’m thinking, “great idea, She’s staying there!” Anyways, the friend, the crush, and I went back to the friend’s place, and we stayed up talking for a while, then went to our respective rooms. 45 minutes later I’m woken up by my door opening and She’s crawling into my bed saying she was cold. I’m thinking “I will keep my hands to myself,” but that quickly changed when she started kissing the back of my neck. Anyways, skipping ahead two hours,we both agreed that we were not looking for a relationship since our course/work-load simply didn’t leave enough time for one. After getting back to school, we found that the course-load did not decrease our sex drives.

We both found that while we had trouble keeping our hands off each other, the most important part of a relationship, communication, was going nowhere. Auuugh!!! It would seem like we’d just run out of things to say. I don’t think there was anything worse than feeling like I didn’t have anything to talk to her about. I even started to plan ahead what I could talk to her about at one point! Anyways, we broke up after about one and a half months because we agreed that we were missing something pretty and important; communication.

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Reality rocks on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was in an unsteady relationship for 7 years (my friends & family did not like him… but I was stubborn & refused to see the bad qualities in him). We did break up for 1 year during my senior year of college but after graduation we got together & he found a job near me & decided to move in together (to save $ on rent).

A year later, we got engaged & the big wedding plans began, plus we purchased a house. All of these pressures, plans, $, commitment sent him for a loop & he ended up having an affair with a divorced 28 year old F with a 5yr. old. (This affair took place 3 months before our wedding and during this affair he continued to be a part of the wedding plans as if nothing else was going on in his personal life.) I found out about the affair by accident; we did the counseling thing…but he told me that he loved me…but wasn’t in love with me as he now loved her. Make a 4 month issue short & to the point — he moved in with her & I now have the house. I lost 30 pounds during that time & I’m very thin to begin with. I realize that this is the best thing that could happen to me; & I picked up the pieces by telling myself that this is only a difficult time in a very small portion of my life…what I mean is…I still have my career & many good & supportive friends & family.

I moved on & two months later I was feeling great & dating. I met this guy Gravy (who happens to be my best friend’s husband’s best friend) so…the guard was down as he was highly recommended to date & we began talking on the phone…he called me first. We really hit if off & talked for 5 hours every night about everything! Keep in mind we live an hour & and 1/2 away. By the time we had our first date…you would have thought we knew each other for a lifetime. For the past 2 months we have talked on the phone during the week & emailed at night & we have seen each other every weekend.

I always told my ex-fiance what I was looking for in a man (ya know…romance, humor, likes to talk, likes to make me feel good besides just himself). My ex always said I was living in a dream world…but then I met Gravy & so I must be dreaming because he is wonderful & a POSITIVE in my life.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from a gal who’s scared-to-lose him, but she’s was burned by a cheater before:

I got out of an extremely bad relationship about three months ago with a man who cheated on me. I thought that I was going to stay single for a long time because I knew that I would have a hard time trusting again, yet that’s not how things worked out. I became friends with someone shortly after the break-up, and the more time we spent together, the more we both realized that we were meant to be together.

Now she’s grown suspicious of this new love and it’s driving him away. Is she unable to let the past go and what should she do? Read the full letter and response at Happen, then chime in with your own thoughts below.

Making a move on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess this question isn’t too hard to answer. I’ve liked this girl, let’s call her Joan, and for four years now I’ve been crazy about her, but I never had the guts to really go for her. I’ve since supressed all my feelings for her because I don’t feel I’m good enough for her. So, NO ONE knew that I had these feelings for her. Joan’s the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, most perfect girl in the world, but she’s just a regular friend to me and that fact is killing me.

I’m not the ideal guy for girls. I’m the quiet guy who no one really bothers to talk to (hardly popular), except to ask for help on a homework assignment. I guess you can call me a nerd, but I’m not that dorky. Her friends can stand me, but they don’t really enjoy my company if you know what I mean.

Well, I know for a fact that Joan doesn’t like me in that special kind of way, and I need to find someway to let her know how I feel without completely scaring her away. I don’t want to lose her friendship. I talk to her whenever possible about little things and I spend as much time as possible around her without seeming conspicuous. I call her from time to time just to talk. I make up some excuse and ask about what assignment we got from which class and then go onto other, more casual things.

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Chasing perfection on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

HELP ME! I have been in love with…let’s call him “Jeff”…for ALL OF MY LIFE! Okay…just six years of my life. We attend the same church, but just this fall he moved to Indiana to go to college. He’s soooo fine…and sooo smart….and sooo dedicated to God (can’t find a guy like that just anywhere, can you?). Anyway, I’ve tried to keep my obsession secret, but the ENTIRE church KNOWS! Even his family! His mom and sister and grandmother all love me to death and even invite me to family functions…and to pick him up at the airport this weekend. *happy sigh* I didn’t go, though. *sad sigh* In the entire six years I’ve loved him, he has spoken to me…maybe 10 times. I know it sounds crazy…but I feel such a connection with him. Like we’re meant to be. Only he doesn’t know it…yet.

What should I do, Breakup Girl? No guy I know or could EVER know could be as wonderful, or kind, or compassionate, or PERFECT as Jeff. I compare everyone to him…and no one could ever take his place in my life. He is the MAIN object of my affection.

I know, I know…there is no hope whatsoever. The longest conversation I’ve ever had with him is when I asked him what he was bringing to a party. I also know he knows about my crush on him. It’s SO obvious. But today!!! GET THIS! HE WAVED AT ME! (Go me, go me…go Jeffy!)

Is this all so immature? I’m not some silly junior high girl. I’m a junior in high school for crying out loud! Do I just have some strange mental complex that makes my knees go weak just at the sight of Jeff?

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Feeling shy on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, I like this girl my friends introduced to me, and I am so obsessed with her, I almost ran away from home just to see her outside with my friends. I doubt she feels the same way too, and I’m always depressed when I can’t see her, and I don’t want to call her cause I think she might say I’m annoying, and I want to get over her, but I don’t think I ever can. I really want help. My school marks are falling and I can never concentrate because I really like her, the only way she said she would go out with me is to get to know me better, but I’m way too shy. If I can’t win her, I’ll need all the help in the world to get over her… I don’t think anything or anyone can get my mind off of thinking of her for at least 1 second — I really love her!!!!!!

— A Depressed Soul

Dear Soul,

Uh-oh, kiddo. Do you see the itty bitty problem you’ve set up for yourself here? This girl gave you your mission — to let her get to know you better — but if you say you’re too shy to try, then you’ve already chosen not to accept it. That’s the immediate problem. The other stuff to think about, according to Belleruth, is this (it’s heavy stuff, take it slow):

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Taking a break on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 31 year old woman/girl who has been happy to be single for about 1.2 years. For the first 1.0 years I was very happy to not be attached to someone. I have had some very unhealthy relationships in the past, (starting at age 17) and this present break from the pain and the passion and the excitement and the horror and the sex and the waiting, waiting, waiting for the phone to ring syndrome has been the most productive and stress-free period in my life so far (not including before doing the rude thing with boys period)

I have sorted a lot of things out and feel very strong but I have found that during this period of single-hood, there has always been someone on my mind that I have fixated on, making me feel as though I do have a love life when actually I don’t, and…the thing is, now I wonder if I’ll ever be able to behave maturely in a relationship with anybody that I actually know, and indeed, if I’ll ever find anyone with whom to behave maturely with in a relationship. As you are not psychic, I suppose I need to ask a more specific question regarding my predicament/Lerve Question:

How can I stop myself from clinging to ridiculous fantasies about guys I hardly know and then feeling really stupid when I find out (after months of building up the fantasy) that they are Married, Gay or just in need of a babysitter. I seem to thrive (until they dissolve) on these psuedo-relationships in which I don’t actually know the guy but feel content and fulfilled just thinking about how gorgeous they are and how excited I am about seeing them next. Could it be that I have these fantasy relationships to protect myself from the cruel world of relationships that I have experienced in the past? Probably yes. And is it the case that I have a problem with getting to know and like men at the same time. It seems that the more I know a guy, the more I see their imperfections — things like the way they chew their food or hold their pen. Why am I so picky about minor details but have, in past relationships managed to forgive massive personality flaws? As you would say, Breakup Girl, one big fat Hmmm…

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Last week, Breakup Girl happened to talk to an adorable 15-year-old named Emily in Charleston who wanted to go as Rose from Titanic for Halloween. Partly because she would get to wear a most excellent dress (and also spit); partly because, in her words, “I am completely in love with Jack Dawson.”

Teens swooning over Titanic? Slow news day, Breakup Girl?

Stay with me. Actually, most teens have already weighed anchor and docked their obsession elsewhere. Anyway, Emily knows she’s behind the tide: “I still watch my video once or twice a week,” she said. “But I realize I’ve gotten to the point where I have to stop talking about it.”

Fortunately, she went on. What does she love about Jack? “He’s so free-spirited and self-confident,” she says, reciting entire movie scenes, line by line, to support her point. “He’d break the rules and do anything for Rose. And he looks really good in a tux.”

Is Emily going to date Jack Dawson? No. With him as her ideal, is she now locked in to holding out for someone who will run into a sinking ship/burning building/dinner with her parents to save her? Well, that would be nice. But is all of this teen obsession — which, you all, is different from grownup obsession ONLY in that adults are less likely to use scotch tape on their walls — silly, pointless, or worse, false-hope-building? Is this all foamy Calgon that will take you nowhere? Not necessarily.

Because: do Emily’s voyages of fancy help shape her sense of what she wants from love, life, and her neighbors’ candy, back on land? Yes. Welcome to this week’s theme:

We all have our “ideal” partners: David Duchovny, Lara Flynn Boyle, Lara Croft, The President of the United States of America, Breakup Girl, our first love, the one that got away. And we all have … our real lives. Clinging to a larger-than-life fantasy can loosen our grasp on — and appreciation of — what we do or could have, or keep us from having it in the first place. And, when the ideal meets real, the practically inevitable result: crushing letdown.

All true, yes. But Breakup Girl is not going to give you guys some boring finger-wagging Get Real speech. Because BG thinks that overly cautious hardcore get-realism throws out the babe with the bathwater. And she does want you to expect and deserve to be with someone freaking fantastic.

So instead, consider this Important Breakup Girl Maxim: FANTASIES ARE DATA.

So whether your idealized lover is someone you’ve glimpsed, met, dated, or downloaded, ask yourself these questions:

Who’s there? What is it about this person, really, that fascinates you? Think about it, really. Ask them to kindly step down from the pedestal so you can see what writ-large characteristics you’d actually ike to have on your level. We are talking actual human traits. Not, like, just “Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!!!!” or “I just really admire the way nothing comes between her and her Calvins.” Emily, for example, was specific. So specific I didn’t even have room for it all. Words like “free spirited,” “confident,” “devoted.” (Yes, “tuxedo,” too, but that was last.) Look at what you’re drawn to, for better or for worse, and think about why. Disassemble your ideal; keep the pieces you can really use. This is real information, you guys — about what you truly love, about what you might feel you lack. Which brings us to:

What’s missing? Anyone see Cupid week before last? (Just for the record, lest you now think that she sits around watching TV instead of flying to your aid, BG has seen Dawson’s Creek and Titanic each only once.) (Okay, while i’m at it, if you’re not watching that genius show Sports Night, you’re missing something major.) ANYWAY,Cupid. In addition to a subplot about first loves, the show was about a woman — a transplant to Chicago from the ranches and canyons of the West — who had developed quite a “relationship” with the rugged Marlboro-type man on the billboard outside her office window. Cupid, doing his job, set her up with the actual model. Everything went swimmingly until she discovered that he wasn’t like her (or his larger-than-life image) campingly, ridingly, hikingly, mountainbikingly, etc. Crushing blow? Only slightly. Important information? Yes. This dalliance not only helped her realize just how truly important it was to her to pitch her tent with someone who … can pitch a tent; it also showed her that she was fundamentally unhappy in the city and really just needed to get the hell outta Dodge — with or without a cowboy to take her away. Aha. To switch abruptly over to hockey imagery: focus on the empty space around the goalie. What does this person’s commanding presence — or absence — distract you from? When the spotlight’s on them and their pedestal, what’s going on in the dark? Shine your flashlight into those corners and see what you see.

A version of this column was originally published November 2, 1998.