Going all the way — to Crazytown on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am still a virgin. This is not a bad thing in my eyes, but it makes me REALLY shy when it comes to dating. I don’t want to have sex until I’m married, or at least engaged, I would even give it up when I’d been dating the guy for more than a year. What worries me, is that my virginity is getting in the way of my dating life. Which brings me to the fact that I’ve only had one boyfriend and that was only for a short month. Boys like me, as far as I can tell, but every time one tries to get me into a relationship, I hesitate, because I don’t like to kiss or makeout. Kissing disgusts me, and I’ve never made-out before, but I don’t think I’d like it. I don’t have much sex drive to tell you the truth. I was really boy crazy when I was younger and in high school, but now I’m not interested in physical stuff; I just want to enjoy the person I’m dating for who they are and how they make me feel, emotionally. I love one man, and he is the only one I would even think about having sex with, but he currently has a girlfriend of 1 year, and is my best guy friend in the world.

ANYWAY, back to my virginity. Is there something wrong with me, if I don’t want to hop in the sack? I’m guessing not, but it seems like the whole world is just going at it like rabbits. Another thing is that I want my husband to be either a virgin, also, or pretty darn close to one. Most guys I meet up with have a pretty large past file, or one I consider too large, and I’m turned off, even to their personality and good sides. And it’s not even like I’m going to sleep with them anyway, so I could at least date them…But the big thing is–I don’t want to be PRESSURED, and I don’t want them to try to pretend that they’ll be patient.

One of my best friends recommended that I ask my best guy friend in the whole world (yes, the one who has a steady girlfriend), to have sex with me so I know whether or not I like it, so I know if it really is something I want to save for marriage or want to experience more sooner. (more…)

Striking out on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am very close to one of my guy friends. He is one of those very friendly, touchy, huggy guys, who is wonderfully nice to everyone. Well, over the past months I have developed very strong feelings for him. I think about him all the time. A few days ago I couldn’t deal with it anymore so I told him I couldn’t see, talk, or be around him anymore because I had feelings for him. He was stunned. It’s been over a week and I haven’t seen him. The problem is that I REALLY miss him and now I just feel depressed. What should I do? I feel like I’ll always love him. It’s getting in the way of meeting new people. Now I’m wondering if I did the right thing.

— Jenna

Dear Jenna,

Oh, girlie, I don’t know if you did the “Right” thing, but I do know that you did what felt right at the time. And now, yes, of course you miss him. It’s almost like you’re going through a breakup with someone you didn’t even get to go out with! I guess what you’re gonna have to figure out is, which sucks less: not being WITHwith him, or not being with him at all? If he is indeed as generous with his heart as he is with his touchy huggy extremities — and indeed I bet he is — I’m sure he’d understand if you went back to him and told him that you don’t want things to stay this way. Which reminds me: you say he was stunned — are you quite sure he’s not interested? Or did you just freak out and split before you had a opportunity to see the gears turning? It’s worth looking into. But if not, well then yes: you do need to lick your wounds, mourn, and smart for a while, and then get back out and try and meet new folks, no matter what. That’s the right thing.

Love,
Breakup Girl

No question, on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thanks for being, I think you’re the best!

I have this friend who is a guy and yes, we really are just friends (even though I hate saying *just* friends, I think friends are never *just* friends). We are both 20 by the way. We get along very well, have the same interests etc. and I’m happy to have him as a friend. Except that… Sometimes I develop this little crush on him and can’t help thinking how good couple we would make. But then, I don’t think that we could go back to being friends if we first went out together and then broke up. I’d very much like it to be possible but I just don’t believe in it (something to do with the fact that my parents have been very much divorced since I was very small. Now they couldn’t even be in the same room for two minutes without getting extremely rude…). So, I think our friendship is too valuable to be put in risk for something that probably wouldn’t last anyway and I’m just going to shut up about my occasional feelings. I honestly don’t know how he feels about these things (and I’m definitely *not* going to ask!) but I haven’t noticed any reason to believe he sees me as anything else than a friend.

So, do you think I am anywhere near the right tracks with my thoughts? I know I can live with the current situation and be happy 94% of the time. Am I one of the people who write to you and answer their own questions at the end of their letters? <grin>

— Maggie

Dear Maggie,

Yep. <grin>

Love,
Breakup Girl

Making a move on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, kudos on a kick butt website. I’ve spent many an hour cruising through and reading your hilarious and right-on responses.

Okay, after my necessary genuflecting, I have to go on and say that I feel pretty much like crap now. I just had one of those moments, those moments that get etched into your mind for the rest of eternity, so when I sit down and think, when I’m 83: “When did I feel really, *really* stupid?” And then this will come rushing back in technicolor, and I will emit an “Oh, yeah.” I’ll keep this short, since I basically have one question. You are the Miss Manners of the heartbroken set, so I thought you would be able to answer it for me.

I had been coveting my new Friend-Boy for about a month or so now, and the crush pretty much began with our friendship. We had that sort of vague Hanging Out type of thing going on, which you can do with Friendly-Only people, as well as with the I-Really-Want-to-Get-to-Know-You-Better folk.

I couldn’t read him, and didn’t have the cojones, in the beginning, to ask him to qualify his side of our dynamic. He was excruciatingly shy, so if he *was* interested, I wouldn’t have been able to tell (but I tried, let me assure you). So all in all, I just today asked him what was up bluntly, he just today answered bluntly, and I am now grappling with the searing burn of rejection. You’re right, it *sucks.* Okay, though, at least I know.

So, my question is this: (more…)

So you’ve got this great friend. You do everything together: shop, hang, talk, work out, talk about your lame love lives and NATO expansion. You know each other’s families; you take care of each other’s plants. You fend off friends’ suggestions that you should be a couple, saying, “No way, that would be too weird!”

But then, somehow, you realize, that what you really want to do … is the one thing you haven’t done together.

So you (a) freak out, and (b) make a list.

Valid points, all. And here are a few more, from Denver psychotherapist Carolyn Bushong: “Romances built on friendships can be deeper, stronger, and in some cases more ‘equal’ than others, especially when they start off mutually, with no one taking the role of pursuer or pursued. But, she says, love that didn’t start as lust also comes with a unique set of pitfalls and second thoughts. Couples may be troubled not only by the high stakes of gambling on a valuable friendship, but also by the feeling of having “settled,” she points out. “Especially when things aren’t going well, one person might wonder ‘What if I never was all that attracted to him? What if I was just comfortable…?'”

Ugh. So what are you going to do? Especially ’cause you can’t ask your, uh, friend for advice. That, of course, is where BG comes in:

• What to ask yourself.

“What flavor of friends are we?”

Are you longtime pals from, like, before you were old enough to date? (Pro: The “Mr./Ms. Right There All Along” thing. Con: You’ve already bathed together.) Or are you more recent friends who, for whatever reason (say, other boy./ girlfriends) have never had the opportunity to upgrade? There’s no one right way to proceed in either case; I’m just trying to give you ways to calibrate your feelings. In the latter scenario, for example, it’s possible that you’ve become friends because you’re attracted to one another — but you’ve been treading water for so long that no one dares take the plunge.

“Is the crush enhancing the friendship — or interfering with it?”

(more…)

Finding yourself on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just moved from Florida to Virginia. And, even though I have moved before, it was never before I hit puberty. I have zilch self esteem. I don’t know how to get over it. I know, be yourself, be nice, be friendly, etc., but I don’t want to be the cookie cutter girl. I want to be myself, even though I have no clue what that is. I am so shy. I don’t hold conversations very well, my mind goes blank like I am meditating or something. I don’t know what I want to do. I want to travel, but whenever I bring up something, my parents give me some discouraging remark or a lame excuse. You probably get tons of letters, so I’ll get to the point, I need to know how to get over myself. This letter is probably just plain silly, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

— Nicole

Dear Nicole,

My two cents: Anyone who tells me she has zilch self-esteem — and then apologizes for a “silly” letter — is right. Yes, Nicole, you’re definitely having a tough time. But there is a light buried somewhere in the U-Haul, you’ll see …

(more…)

Crazy about men on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ok, so here’s the deal. I love sex, I love men and I love life. What I don’t want is a committment. I don’t want a boyfriend. My roommate says this makes me dysfunctional and self-destructive. She disapproves of my (safe) one-nighters or casual sex relationships. I say it is perfectly healthy … the reason I don’t want to have a relationship with anyone is because I have not yet met the man who deserves me. I am a great girl — smart, funny, generous, pretty (ok, I’ll stop, sorry) — and confident. I need a man who can handle all that and live up to some pretty high standards. Relationships, as you well know, take time and effort and a great deal of respect, trust and committment. Why should I give all those very precious things to someone unworthy? So what I’m saying is that I am 20 and I have a lot of life to live — so there’s nothing wrong with filling that life with beautiful men who make me happy, if only for a night (no — I don’t have any feelings of unfulfillment), lovely poetry and moonlit nights? What do you think? Am I delusional? Am I ok? Am I heading for a very large mid-life crisis and an exorbitant therapy bill?

— Siobhan

Dear Siobhan,

No, you’re fine. So are standards. Just make sure of one thing: when he comes along, will you actually let him in?

Love,
Breakup Girl

Holding it together on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex and I broke up about a year ago. We were mismatched in every way but one, and a lot of bad things happened. We still have a lot of mutual friends online, even though he’s told all his friends that I’m insane/delusional/dangerous. For my part, I did most of my most vehement bitching to people who didn’t know him.

A couple of days ago, he posted a long and uncalled for summary of some of the worst things that happened between us to a usenet group, because he thought I was snarking at his wife. (They’ve been married for a couple of months, I guess.) He’s under the mistaken impression that I’m conducting a smear campaign against him, when even my closest friends say that the worst thing they’ve ever heard me say about him is that I ought to have known better, and that he still owes me money. (He did, at the time. We’ve since settled.)

I just hate it that he’s implying that he has a life, simply because he and some fat blue-haired chick got married in the park; because I’m single by choice, and spending my spare time going out with friends, doing volunteer work and generally living the life I want to live, mine doesn’t count.

(more…)

Sexting Miss Robinson on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m fifteen, my friend D is fourteen, and Kay is twenty-six. D met Kay online awhile back. She’s rather the party-have-sex-with-everybody type of person, and he and she have had their fair share of cybering/phonesex (she called him; his parents are very strict). Now, I wouldn’t think anything of it, except for the fact that Kay’s birthday is coming up, and D is planning on buying her a gift. However, the gift that he wants for her is a $120 painting (plus shipping). Remember that he’s only fourteen, and he doesn’t even have a steady job. I’m probably just being a friend giving unwanted help, but I wanted to hear your perspective, BG.

— T in Ohio

Dear T,

Okay, yeah, eeeeuw. Belleruth and I struggled a bit with this one.

First, before we get to the creepout part, we concede two things: (1) in BR’s words: “If it doesn’t get weird [too late?], the world being the way it is, a shy, awkward 14-year-old can gently induct himself into the world of sex online without getting too banged around, and avoid diseases too. Also, (2) I can see why he’d want to get her something “big.” He’s probably thinking: “Wow, she’s old, I can’t just buy her, like, a Care Bear. Instead, I’ll buy her an expensive, sexy, soft-black-velvety … painting of the Care Bears. And then have it shipped because it’s too big to schlepp on my Huffy.”

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To Sir with lust on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Congratulations on your site. I have a small academic problem for you. I am a graduate student who is perpetually falling for academics/professors — of both genders. I am quite comfortable with the gender part of it, but the academic part causes potential ethical problems, and in my experience, the need to constantly attempt to bridge unwieldy generational boundaries. I am 24, and the objects of my admiration tend to be at least around 35 or over with Captivating Intellects/Teaching Styles. Oh yes, and most already have partners…I am not attracted to people my own age at all, as we generally do not have the same mindset or priorities. Am I Mad? Just Unusual? Destined to spend the rest of my days a lonely young spinster prowling the corridors of the academy? This situation has already caused some emotional strains for me.

Thanking you in anticipation of a reply with footnotes,
— Girl Gradstudent

Dear GG,

You are neither as Mad nor as Unusual as you might like to (¹) think. For one thing, you seem to have good taste. Captivating intellect? Charisma? Good call! You’re off to a better start than the folks who write, “Dear Breakup Girl, The objects of my admiration are all dull as a box of rocks.” For another, you are, um, hardly the first young woman to fall for — or at least be attracted to — sharp, charismatic, Older men (women) who are ultimately unattainable (²). That’s why I think my response to you will apply to everyone out there who has considered — or entered into — an “Inappropriate Relationship.”(³)

(more…)