A long one from August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It’s my first time on your website, and I think it’s great that people could write to someone and get some advice. (I found that my friends have given me pretty biased opinions about my situation!)

I went out with this guy for three, almost four years. We started going out when we were 15, which I realize now was too young. It ended pretty badly . We have broken up and gotten back together many times before. We actually broke up, but kept dragging the relationship on before we really went our separate ways. We had a really close relationship; there was nothing I could keep from him. He was my bestfriend. I lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me. We did everything together and we were inseparable. Towards the end, I had doubts about my feelings towards him. I started to have feelings for another guy that I was friends with. Basically, I ended up telling my boyfriend that I couldn’t see him anymore because of the other guy. He wasn’t too impressed. I wanted to be the one to tell him because people in my school always talked, and I figured it was only a matter of time before he heard. He yelled and cursed at me, and I ended up hanging up on him, bawling my head off. He kept trying to call me back, but I refused to talk to him. He dropped a letter off at my house an hour later.

(Two days before this happened we slept together and it was amazing. I guess he felt more for me than I did for him though) He wrote that he would always love me, but at the same time he would never resent anyone as much as he resented me for what I did. He really lost respect for me when I did what I did, and I fully understood that.

Anyway, I never ended up with that other guy because not too long after that I found out that I was pregnant. I come from a very Catholic and very strict family. There was no way I could keep the child considering the person I needed to be there hated me, and it was my own fault he did. I had to get an abortion and I did. Only one other person knew of this.

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Sorting it out on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I broke up five weeks ago, after a little over a year. Mostly he broke up with me, but I sort of put myself in the way of it, too.

Tensions had been building for a few months. I was really in love, and it was pretty painful to be “too serious” with an otherwise wonderful, lovable guy who would every now and then begin talking about his fantasy around-the-world solo adventure, complete with sex and the exotic, unknown foreign woman. You can see how that might bother me.

He was a great guy in most ways, but when they talk about the “Seinfeld phenomenon” of men who don’t want to grow up…well, that was this guy, I think. Really nice, really smart, really sensitive and sensual…and really afraid of settling down and being in love with a great, gainfully employed, attractive, healthy woman who wants a life with someone. Why, he might miss out on a one-night stand with another one of the addictive-personality emotional train wrecks he dated before he met me…OK, I’m a little bitter.

Now, I miss him like hell.

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A twofer from August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, two questions.

1) Say you were hooking up with (OK, sleeping with) a guy for a month. Literally every night. Also you’ve known the guy for a year, pretty well, and been friends. He gets out of your bed one Saturday morning and asks you what you’re doing later that day. You then don’t hear from him for oh maybe three weeks. Then you call his machine to point out you have a bunch of his clothes at your apartment. Then you find out he’s been going out with his ex girlfriend and a lot of your “friends” know about it and have not told you. Then say you feel really depressed not to mention you feel like a really really big tool. Say you are normally a cool person. What do you do? Thanks, please help, I need it.

Now my roommate:

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Going the distance on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Please help me. I haven’t ended a relationship, it’s just in suspended animation; which makes it harder because when you break up you move on and there’s some kind of closure. My boyfriend of three years is a military guy and just got transported to the other side of the earth for one year. Before he left he refused to make a commitment and told me it was “highly probable” he’d come back to me. (The issue of remaining monogamous prompted his response, said he didn’t know if he could). I made it clear that monogamy is what I expect even from 10,000 miles away. (Hey, if I can do it, so can he, right?) I was prepared to say goodbye when he left.

Anyway, now that he’s been gone for 8 weeks, he’s like a different person. He e-mails me the most sappy lovesick notes everyday, tells me how much he misses me and how lonely he is. He reassures me he’s not interested in being with anyone else because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. Hey, he even wrote me a letter with tear marks on it because he got emotional writing the thing. What am I to do? Believe the nonchalant man than was noncommital before our separation? Or, believe the emotional wreck that seems to have realized what a good thing he has? I am so confused at this point I’m going crazy. Help!

— Michele

BG clears things up after the jump!

Just trying to help on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a female friend, K, who is dating R. Well, sort of dating… she’s been trying to end it for about 6 months (that would be about 1/3 the time)… the problem is, she cares for him, and she senses how much he cares for her, and feels guilty trying to end it. So there I was, minding my own business, just being her friend… and I saw how hard she was struggling and, being the enabling personality I am, I got to helping her deal with some of her self-esteem issues etc… and we got to be closer friends… now — before you think you know where this is going, we’re still just friends… but we’re friends in a way that I’ve never been friends with anyone — and the closeness of it disturbs both of us at times…

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Pretty hopeless on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Me and Mr. Perfect have been dating for eleven months. But I guess I should explain to you what all went on during those months, the best ones of my life. We met one day in advanced drama where I was actually trying to hook him up with someone else. But then I started to get to know him and I really don’t know why we didn’t notice each other sooner, as perfect as we fit together. He shared many of the same interests….we both acted and modeled and even had the same agency representing us. He was Mr. Popular who every girl dreamed of (his looks and charm told why) and I was Head Cheerleader and class President. He modeled for Tommy and I was on the verge of a job for CK Jeans. Everyone thought we were the PERFECT couple, and at first, I did too. We even acted together, often starring opposite each other. In the school’s major production I was Juliet and he was Romeo.

But you know how high school works, as soon as people start getting jealous the rumors start flying!!! All across the school we were known for everything from sleeping together to modeling in nude photos. It didn’t bother me as much as it did him. He became obsessed with his ego, and when I confronted him about it, he denied it. We decided it best if we broke up for a bit to get the rumors off our backs. They were hurting our relationship too much. We got to the point where we were scared to talk to each other in class, in fear someone might start something from it. Soon our reps were cleared and we started going back out. We loved each other so much it was hard to keep apart. But then he started seeing other chicks. At first it was just an occassional “friend” over at his house (which doesn’t bother me at all), but it worked up to where he was skipping dates with me to spend weekends at their condos and resorts.

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Growing connections from August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am Sunk, with a capital S, and Smitten too. I have a huge crush, and I am a bit worried that there’s all sorts of danger signs flashing that I’m willfully ignoring. I am in my early 30’s, haven’t been with anyone for 3 years or so, since my heart was broken. I cried for 2 years over the Man Who Broke My Heart, but I let time pass, I behaved well, I didn’t do dumb things, etc. In the year or so since I stopped crying, I’ve had 2 interests, both of which ended badly, before anything ever happened. (One had a girlfriend and one was over email in any case.) For the last 7 or 8 months, since the demise of possibility #2, I’ve been fine on my own. (Actually, I’ve been fine on my own since I stopped crying over the Heart Breaker.) I’ve been extremely cautious and all that. I have work I like, friends, a Life.

But, now I also have this huge crush on a goofy poet I met at the community garden. Our plots are near each other, and we began to chat, as gardening neighbors do (friendly places, community gardens, a fact you might want to pass on to your other readers). Within a week or so, our conversations about carrots and bok choy progressed onto the demise of his marriage, my formerly broken heart, etc. Amazing how much personal information can get exchanged while weeding and watering. Our conversations are going swimmingly, we’re both clearly having a great time, and I even convinced him to weed his carrots. Yesterday Looks were exchanged. You know the kind of Looks I mean. I’m giddy in a way I haven’t been in ages.

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Thinking of others on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a very interesting situation. My best friend and I are the same age (29). We even went to the same high school and lived in the same neighbourhood. We have been friends for almost ten years.

So here is the situation. I have dated several guys/men and even had some serious relationships. Two I actually lived with. Meanwhile there is my best friend going along with all these experiences that I have had in life. She has never had a boyfriend, she has never been kissed.

I always feel bad when I have met someone new and I want to share it with her. I always wonder if she is beating herself up because I can find someone and she can’t. I hurt her quite badly this spring. I met someone and I didn’t want to tell her because I thought it would hurt her feelings that I met someone again and she is still single.

Now I don’t want you to think that I am berating myself but neither one of us are raving beauties but we are very attractive in our own ways and I think my best friend is very attractive. She has a stunning smile and she is so funny and smart, God is she is smart!

I just don’t know what to say anymore. I go through heartbreak after heartbreak and she is always there for me and still she has not found someone.

What do you think of this?

— Pat

BG’s friendly advice after the jump!

In for repairs on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a great and mysterious power. I can sniff out women who are still on the rebound, even if the breakup was years ago, and even greater and mysteriouser, I have the ability to wave my magic wand of fixing, and make everything better. Then it comes back and bites me on the ass.

Am I being obtuse? Let me clarify.

I have been in two serious relationships, and a two close-to-serious ones (I’ll explain what that means later). For reference purposes, let’s call them SR1, SR2, CTSR1, and CTSR2 (aren’t I original?). In all cases, the lady love in question’s last boyfriend was a total jerk (to hear them tell it). SR1’s was physically abusive, SR2’s was completely insensitive and mind-gamey, CTSR1 and CTSR2 both had exes that cheated on them. (I hate referring to them in numbers, because each was amazing in her own right, so from here on in, when I say “she,” I mean “they.” But anyway.)

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Going downhill fast on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have dated this younger guy (W) on and off for 2 years now. I’m 25. He treats me much better now but there are still some major issues to be resolved. So I asked for some “space” to think about the relationship. Meanwhile I met this nice guy friend M and he asked me out for dinner. When W found out what happened he just flipped and threatened me. He paged me 5 times during that dinner. He said I’m a slut and I cheated on him. (But M and I are really just friends having a nice conversation, no flirting or any of that sort.) W said I’m not allowed to have guy friends unless he meet them first (to make sure they’re just friends). I know I should have called W to let him know I was going out for dinner ahead of time first, but I just want to have some friends. So after a lengthy late night confrontational call I promised W not to have any guy friends and not to meet M until we sort out the relationship. Am I wrong here?

W has always been a very emotional guy. I’m seriously considering ending this relationship but he said he wouldn’t. I know he loves me a lot and can be very caring. He said I’m “the one.” But sometimes he scares me. I loved him a lot too and have given up a lot of opportunities for him. I feel very bad to end this relationship because we have gone through a lot of things together. He said I ‘m taking advantage of him because he wants the relationship more than I do now. He said he cannot end this relationship in a normal way. What is his cannot be someone else. I want to end this relationship in a peaceful way but he won’t. How should I handle this?

I really need some help BG. Please advise.

— Scared and Confused

BG flies to the rescue after the jump!