A non-romantic obsession from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful, sweet, and generous man in my life. We have been together for two years and, being in our early 30s, a potential for marriage is on both our minds. The problem is that he has obsessive-compulsive disorder, a condition that dictates most of his actions. When we first met, he was doing all right. He told me about it and I was fine with it, mostly because I hadn’t seen the effects of his condition on his life. In the past six months, he has been spiraling down into the depths of this disorder, and for a time, would not come near me. I can’t begin to tell you how painful it was to be so thoroughly rejected by such a loving person. It got so bad that we did not see each other for a month. When I told him that I wanted to break up, he finally started in a therapy program (including medication). Maybe this is selfish of me, but I am not sure if I can handle this condition in my life. I promised that I would not leave him until he was stable again and we could talk about it. The reality is that his “minor” mental illness is a very difficult thing to deal with and I am not sure that I would want to commit myself to it for the rest of my life. It might help him deal with the condition, but I don’t think that his anxiety will ever go away. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave him and there is a part of me that believes that I’ll never meet anyone as wonderful as he can be again. Is this stupid? Am I wrong?

— Miki

BG’s response after the jump

Afraid to date on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am having a serious problem that so far no one has been able to help me with. I was going out with this guy I met at college for a while…we got serious and he started hanging out with a gang. I don’t condone gangs, and I kinda think they are stupid, so we got in a big fight about it and he moved out. I never saw him again. What happened is the gang leader decided that he was a “narc” and he killed him. The gang leader was at one time my friend, he and I got in a big argument cause I told the girl he was dating, my best friend, that he had some odd beliefs. Like he thought he was a witch, and he drank human blood (vampire). She was very concerned and broke up with him instantly. He threatened to kill me and told me he would get me back and hurt me more than I ever hurt him…well he killed my boyfriend…I think he succeeded. But here’s my problem…every time I start to see a new guy, I can’t get over the fact that I am afraid that he’ll get hurt because of me. I know that the gang leader is in jail, but still I always get scared that the guy will get hurt because of something I do or say. It’s so hard for me to explain to the guy that I am scared for his life, because I would sound like a nutcase! I probably do sound like a nutcase…but I can’t help the way I feel about my poor BF…I miss him, and I don’t know who else I can turn to….can you give me any advice on how to deal with my concerns? Thanks.

— AJ

Read BG’s advice after the jump…

Working it out on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was reading the Predicament of the Week and I just have to say, “Wow!” I was wondering if guys like him exist. Maybe Brad is looking for love in all the wrong places…

Anyhoo…I am totally attracted to this guy. He is funny, smart, and attractive. So what’s the problem, right??? Well, I WORK with him. Been there, done that… don’t want to go back. While we’re dating, we can’t focus on work. When we break up, we still can’t focus on work. So, how do I deal with this attraction? I certainly don’t want to make any mistakes. I think that it would be different if I thought things would work out great. I am a Christian, he is not. His ten year reunion is this year, I graduated [three years ago]. He is loud and obnoxious, I am calm and cool. It is driving me insane every time I work with him. We already spend way too much time talking. What is a girl to do??? Help me out here, would ya? Thanks.

— Jenn

(more…)

Summer leavin’ from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Love you, love your column! THE love of my life destroyed me last summer and I still haven’t gotten over him. I have dated a whole bunch of men, tried to keep busy etc….but can’t stop feeling that I have lost the best thing I ever had. I just keep thinking I don’t want him to be happy because I am not. I thought I was doing well for a long time but lately it has all come back to me. Help me! I want my ex out of my head.

— Hopeful to Heal

Dear Hopeful,

You did lose the best thing you ever had. Until that point. And at this point, it’s all coming back to you because, well, you still know what you did last summer. I mean, really, the teeniest things — the whiff of a scent, the note of a song — remind us of loves and losses; how ’bout when that reminder is … the sun ?! And so, even at this time of increased slothitude, you’ve got to do more than “keep busy.” You’ve gone past the statute of limitations for “distractions.” You are still just treading water, gulping brine into your empty heart and lungs. You said it yourself: you do not want him to be happy because you are not happy. This is the problem: not getting over him, but changing what’s around you. What will make you happy (no fair saying “him”)? Grad school, a road trip, new curtains? Figure it out. For real. And at the risk of sounding glib, DO THAT.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting un-stuck on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You may remember me as the one whose boyfriend dumped me by cassette tape last year [that’s another story for another column — BG]. Since then we have broken up and gotten back together probably five or six times. After the last breakup we decided to be “friends” but started having four-hour-long online conversations that revolved mostly around cybersex. Perhaps I can be forgiven for thinking that this was going to be the beginning of the NEXT phase of our relationship … until last week when I forced the issue and flat-out asked him if he’d already found someone else that he was seeing…and he said yes. When I said, “You’ve been having those conversations with ME and seeing someone else?” he told me to stop giving him my “self-righteous bullsh*t.” (Keep in mind we’ve been seeing each other on and off for four years.) Anyway, my question — yes, what IS my question, you are asking — is, even though the guy is a louse, and seems incapable of being honest with me, and clearly doesn’t care much about me…WHY CAN I NOT SEEM TO GET HIM OUT OF MY SYSTEM? Thanks for any insight you might have: your website, Jonathan Kellerman books, and Haagen-Dazs “Dulce de Leche” ice cream are the only things keeping me going right now.

— PerpetuaG

Breakup Girl’s response after the jump

Trying to move on on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, I can’t believe I’m doing this, because I know the answer. The answer is to get over him, but I guess my question is how. I’ve been in love for four years with someone. He’s been unreliable, I’ve sworn never to see him, then he appears all lovable, etc. Old story. Two nights ago he told me on the phone that he’s getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, one of the two women he’s ever loved (no, the other is not Mom; however, it’s not me, either).

Okay, so get over him, move on. But I miss him. And everything I like to do reminds me of him (or her — every time I see a redhead now, I want to spit). And Breakup Girl, I’m so tired. I could take a class, I could go out with friends, I could this, I could that, and it all feels like just filling up time until either he comes to his senses or I die of old age in my studio apartment with my cat. I think I need chicken soup for the soul, or a good old-fashioned spring tonic. Any recipes?

— Christine

Read BG’s answer after the jump

Turning to goo on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve met the man of my dreams and I think he’s interested in me. He calls me a lot and is very aggressive in his flirtations. I, on the other hand, turn to pulp whenever he comes near me. I turn into a trembling mass of kiwi-lime Jell-O. My usual charsimatic, witty conversation becomes monosyllabic whimpers and I invariably wind up saying something inane enough to make him think I don’t like him, or worse — I insult him! How can I calm down around him? How do I knock his tight butt off the pedestal?

— Zsa Zsa

Dear Zsa Zsa,

Wow, he does sound like the man of your dreams. As in, those nightmares where you have to tell someone something really important (like, “The Truman Show: provocative and revolutionary, or self-referential and smug?” or “Help, I am being pursued by a killer whale on those new off-road inline skates!”) but all that comes out is gibberish. While some degree of giddy infatuated nonsense is normal — and endearing — past a certain point, you aren’t dealing with reality. Give him and your dreams a few more nights. You don’t want to lose that excited edge, but you shoud also be getting progressively more comfortable as dates go by. If not, it’s time to for you and your Rapid Eye Movement to look for someone with whom you’re truly in sync.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Doing the right thing on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s the thing — my boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. He has basically treated me like gold for those two and a half years. But lately, he has been so distant and beyond mean. I told him that he was not treating me right and if he didn’t shape up, he would be shipped out. He would just get mad at me and tell me that I was overreacting and that he was just really confused. I would ask him “confused about what?” and he would never give me a straight answer. So the other day I was at his house and I decided to go on his computer on AOL. When I went on I found letters that he sent to a girl saying how she looked really good (she must have sent him pictures via e-mail) and he wanted to get to know her better. He even sent her a picture, our homecoming picture with me cut out, via email. I was furious and just left his house. I was trying to give him a chance to redeem himself by treating me right and making me trust him again. But he did no such thing. I dumped him less than an hour ago and I feel terrible. My heart feels like it is broken in half. Did I do the right thing? Or should I take him back and see if things change? I just love him so much, I don’t know what to do.

— Distraught

Dear Distraught,

After a relationship, snipping up photographs (with scissors or Photo Shop) is Arts and Crafts Therapy. During a relationship, it is an Act of War. Sorry.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Blanket of insecurity on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this guy for a year. Throughout our relationship, I learned a lot of family baggage that he was dealing with day to day. He would often talk and confide in me his hurt and anger (he also has been seeking professional help). Anyway, although it’s selfish to say, his neediness gave me security in our relationship. He was making real progress with his emotions. Then, family problems took a turn for the worse, financially and emotionally. He now has put so much of his energy into his mother and younger brothers that he barely has time for me. I have been having a rough time in my personal life and he’s just not there for me the way I was there for him. I’m taking it all so personally and am a little bitter. Am I being way too selfish? I love him so much and I know he loves me. I don’t know what to do. Help –?

— Amy

(more…)

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Jinxed Joan whose cursed by a layabout boyfriend that is sapping her monetary resources as well as her emotional ones…

I told him that he needs to get a job, but he says he has applied and nobody is hiring. I feel very angry when we are together because I end up paying the bills for both of us.

Can she change her slacker’s mojo, or does she just need to ward off this evil spirit? Read Lynn’s take at Happen Magazine, then add your own in the comments below.