Separation anxiety on January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have met a guy on (of all places) the Internet. I know what everyone says about things like this, but I am following my guts here. I think we could be awesome together. Only problem is that we live on opposite sides of the world. What should I do? Why is it that the person who is right for me now is so far away?

— S.J.

Dear S.J.,

Of all places, indeed. If you all think it’s lame to wait by the phone, try waiting by the computer.

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Moving on from January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just broke up with my beau of eight years; now I am FIERCELY attracted to a co-worker. I have never asked a guy out. Should I start now, and ask this one out?

–Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,

Of course you’re fiercely attracted to a co-worker. Let me guess: is it Bob from Accounting … or Joe from Rebound? Right after the end of such a long relationship, everyone’s going to look good — especially the beaux-to-be who are the worst ideas. Breakup Girl is not saying you should never ask this guy out. I am just saying that you need to be particularly circumspect about stirring up a solution that contains not one but two combustible ingredients. My advice: let Octavio from the Piercing Parlor be your rebound. Then see how good Joe looks to you in the company cafeteria.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Due to some boring-to-explain structural changes over at MSN.com, BG’s alter ego’s column, Ask Lynn (powered by Match.com) now appears…well, it’s complicated. But it does appear! Currently still available for your reading pleasure: our friend up in New Hampshire, and our friend down on her luck with weekend dates. Please check them out and come back here to comment. And, if you have questions of your own, please email asklynn@match.com. Thanks!

Breaking free on January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do I tell the man that I’m engaged to that I don’t want to marry him anymore and that I want to move out?

— Heather

Dear Heather,

I would mumble.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Other than that — Breakup Girl has said this before, and she will no doubt say it again — just tell the plain old icky truth. Sugar-coating or BSing will only make it worse. Also, if you truly do want out, mumble — I mean, speak up — soon. The closer you get to your wedding date, the harder it will get for you to do what you need to, and the more nuclear the fallout will be.

From our pals at the Daily Bedpost, advice on minding your booty call manners that you’ll never hear from Miss Fling.

Most people don’t talk about booty calls. That’s part of their appeal: “We don’t have to endlessly com-mu-ni-cate because we’re not in a serious relationship.” People rely on a tacit understanding when it comes to casual sex with their friends and neighbors, and especially their exes. But it’s silly to assume that everyone “understands” the exact same set of personal guidelines. The implicit, unlegislated booty call is a complicated procedure, due to varying agendas, the likelihood of miscommunication, and the chance of emotional intimacy. The smart people know that without rules, there are expectations, and those, by definition, make things messy. Even if you don’t think you have any expectations, that in itself is an expectation: That you not expect anything of me, that you not sleep over, that you not get mad if I don’t call you back. So let’s once and for all manage those expectations with The 25 Rules of the Modern Booty Caller.

Click here for the rest, including this uber-rule: “No matter how casual the set-up, remember that your booty buddy is a human being.”

Here, your soon-to-be-weekly again installment of Ask Lynn, the advice column penned by BG’s alter ego at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet “Weekday Dater?”, who wonders why she seems to be everyone’s Girl Wednesday. The guys she meets — including, notably, a current fellow who’s otherwise totally coming through — never upgrade from the school-night date to the weekend rendezvous. Are these guys too busy? Or “too busy?” How can WD find someone who’ll stylus her in for Saturday? Read Lynn’s answer, and then come back here to comment!

Getting your stuff back on January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated my ex for about a year. We broke up last year, but I have yet to get all my things out of his apartment. He told me he has still kept my toothbrush. I don’t want him back, I just would like my stuff back! How would there be a good way to go about this?

— Jaime

Dear Jaime,

Surely you’ve replaced the toothbrush by now. But Breakup Girl still wonders what on earth he’s doing with your toothbrush. Has he bronzed it? Or, conversely, does he just keep it around for use as the “guest toothbrush?” Neither one is good news.

In any case, here’s what you need to do…

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Ooh! BG LOVES a good update!

Hey Lynn!

I don’t know if you remember my “lovelorn letter” from last year (around May 2007 you actually published my letter online* and one of my co-workers who had heard my unrequited love story said “Cheryl, this sounds just like you…did you write to this columnist?”) — was the girl crazy in love with my boss, but he was always the gentleman and never, EVER, gave me any reason to think he was the least bit interested.  I worked for him for a year and then moved on to a really GREAT job, lost a bunch of weight and wrote to you and asked “Do you think I should give it one last shot with him?”

Well, I did – I sent him my last e-mail, and it was a good one!!  I hadn’t seen him in six months, I had lost weight, I was in a great place – and he actually responded.  We went out for the first time on June 1, 2007 and we have been dating and crazy in love ever since.  We are planning to get married next fall (2009).

Thank you for your encouraging and straightforward column and for telling me to “give it one last shot” but if it didn’t work out, I would have “closure.”

Cheryl

* The letter is no longer available online. Original text after the jump…

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… last week on MSN.com. Do stay tuned!

Broadsheet’s Amy Benfer recently highlighted some antediluvian romantic advice from Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, star of “The Real Housewives of New York City.” Apparently the countess thinks she’s just dripping with gems of wisdom, which she shared with two women sitting together at a bar (one of whom happened to be surfing on her Blackberry).

Without tearing into the racist, sexist, ignorant comments that framed her words, I will attempt to deflect her message in its entirety with my Wonder Woman bracelets.  Fwing! Zing!

Sayeth the Countess, “When men see females on their BlackBerrys working hard, it really turns them off. Men like women to be females, to not be like workaholics, as that comes off as being uptight in the bedroom and control freaks.” How confused is the countess? Let me count the ways:

1. Smartphones are usually indicators of success, money, and social connection (attractive things, unless we’re in bizarro world), and in bars they are kept handy for social reasons, and also for looking up which actor from that show played the guy in the movie.
2. Dear men, have you ever been turned off by a woman who could settle your bar bet with her Bat-phone?
3. No one likes to feel neglected or ignored in the presence of a Crackberry, but she’s not saying “don’t be rude.” She’s saying, “Men won’t want to rescue you if they think you don’t need it.” The countess also doesn’t see the difference between “workaholic” and “gainfully employed.”
4. The work/life/love balance deserves thoughtful advice, preferably from those who actually walk that tightrope every day. I’m sure our readers have some valuable insight and anecotes.
5. It’s dismissive and just plain unhelpful to say that all men like a certain thing. Figure out what you like.
6. “Uptight in the bedroom” HA. HAH! HAHahahahahahahhaha! Honey, if you only knew!

I guess I shouldn’t be flabbergasted that a woman with an old-world title has a damsel-in-distress outlook on marriage, but I like to think that’s part of why people set out in pursuit of happiness to the new one.