Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This one may be less of a lightning rod than last week’s “Call me when you’re skinny,” but we’re betting there’s something we can all relate to in the letter from “Not Over in Denver.”

His story: He’s in New York, she’s in Denver. They meet online. They are together (mostly online but a few times off) for seven months, during which time he “nurses her back to health” after a collosally crappy series of psychological challenges. Some thanks: She leaves him for her brother-in-law’s best friend, ten years her junior. His questions: “As dumb as it may seem, should I even hope that we might reconcile down the road? I mean, what are the chances she will even last with this younger guy? If she and I don’t date again, is there anything I can do about the fact that we ended terribly, which I regret? And how can I find closure on this?”

Yep, those are pretty much the million-dollar questions of just about any breakup. Lynn answers them all (‘That’ll be $4,000,000″) — and offers this bonus: closure ain’t as hard to find as you think. Read the whole story, and then come back here to comment!

Cushioning the blow with laughter on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you think of the pathetic statement, “I broke up with you because I love you so much and I was afraid you might become unhappy with our relationship?”
— Cris

Dear Cris,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Breakup Girl

An easy one from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you do if you have a vacation planned with your significant other but you want to break up with her?
–John

Dear John,
Few things are less romantic than a romantic vacation with someone who’s planning to dump you. Do the deed; take a buddy.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Workplace tragedy from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I’ve been friends with a very attractive co-worker for about one and a half years. She works about ten feet away from me. Recently, she started flirting back with me; I had been flirtatious most of the time, but had gotten no response. I was very excited and was walking on clouds. We went on three dates, one of them was fairly passionate, and then she calls me and says she only wants to be friends. Her reason was that she felt ‘pressured by me’. When I asked her what I was doing to pressure her and offered to stop what ever it might be, she gave me no reason but said the old “it’s me, not you” line. I have to pass by her office several times a day and feel very uncomfortable. How do I cope? Help!
— BT
Dear BT,
Ah, the work breakup: the mother of all pink slips. Even though Breakup Girl works alone, very much alone, at BGHQ, she does have a little insight into the special circumstances/complications of the job-related jilt. One thing I’ve observed is that women tend to be a little more cautious than men about office romance. They’re the ones who — whether in reality or only somewhere in the back of their minds — still have to worry most about separating the personal and professional, about the whole slept-her-way-to-the-corner-office stereotype. I know she’s your co-worker (as opposed to your subordinate, or, even more “Disclosure,” your boss), but still, this may be part of what gave her the jitters.

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“Muffy is no longer in a relationship with Biff.” It’s the Facebook news feed from hell! On the one hand, it’s an easy way to tell all your friends. On the other, it’s an easy way to tell all your “friends.” And to get one million “What happened?!” messages that you really, really don’t feel like answering.

Wired magazine to the rescue! From this month’s issue: “Next time you split, in the ‘News Feed and Mini-Feed’ section of your profile settings, change ‘In a Relationship’ to the default ‘Select Status.’ But there’s a hitch [or not]: Your ex’s Mini-Feed will display an update in their relationship status, tipping off the gossip hounds…. You have no choice but to ask your former boo to delete it, ASAP.” Sigh. Remember when all it took to finalize a breakup was a really long and drawn-out and painful conversation?

A case of EX-squared from January 5, 1998… 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was seeing this guy for two years and we practically lived with each other. I finally broke things off because we had such different ideas about what life should be like. He and I remained friends and in actuality our relationship continued except we were free to do what we wanted to. His family and I are extremely close and I just spent Christmas at his family’s home. Just recently I met a wonderful man and he and I have everything in common. How do I make my ex understand that I have to move on in order to make my life happy without completely breaking his heart?

–Completely Confused
Dear Completely Confused,

With breakups like these, who needs boyfriends? The we-broke-up-but-we-still-sleep-together arrangement is normally designed to quell separation anxiety and get you through hormone monsoon season. But you’ve also retained family visitation rights! Wow! This is a a new one for Breakup Girl.

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Breakup Girl helps a pop princess deal with a toxic ex…

 

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Celebration anxiety from January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

God, I’m glad you were here for me on a most gloomy day!

A year ago I was dumped by my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. I loved him so much but he didn’t want to be married as he had already been there, done that. He knew I wanted that and he didn’t. He said, “I’ve met someone that I want to be romantic with.” Like I was some passing fancy! He loved me! Grrr! He also told me that he “didn’t feel paid attention to” — yet he’d never said that before. To top it off, the next Friday night, the NEW GIRL was sleeping over at his house … as I drove by to spy.

Otherwise, I’ve done good, though: not stalked him or her, not sought revenge like the Chocolate Ex-Lax cake I have often dreamt about making, not calling him or her (though I did page him a couple times to no number), not sending him dead flowers or keying his car.

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Broken up about breaking up from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you suggest for someone who is dealing with the guilt of being the dumper, so they don’t go back to heal the broken heart?
— Scott

Dear Scott,
Splendid question. Breakup Girl has always fought for dump-ers’ rights — to make known the fact that while dumpees have to deal with rejection, loneliness, hurt, etc., dumpers have to deal with the fact that they started it. It’s a rotten feeling, especially in the case of those hideous gray-area, gut-feeling breakups where just because you don’t see yourselves together in forty years doesn’t mean you don’t care.

IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: No matter how much you care, you cannot be the one to help your ex through the breakup you caused.

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A question of timing from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Is it best to break up with her when you know it won’t last, just to end it on good terms?
— Jon

Dear Jon,
It’s best to break up with her when you know it won’t last, period. Breakup Girl does not endorse impulsive breakups — hasty, nasty little spasms attributable to moon phases, mood swings, mood rings, and such (as in “I hate the way s/he blinks. It’s over”). Breakup Girl does, however, encourage swift — yet sensible, sensitive — action on breakups waiting (if not begging) to happen, especially if someone might be leading someone on. Still, even a timely jilt does not automatically produce “good terms” — at least not necessarily right away. But you’re on the right track.
Love,
Breakup Girl